It was my birthday yesterday!

I turned…well…older yesterday.  My husband tood me to a movie..and then my kids made me a great dinner of Steak, baked potatoes, salad…and angel food cake with strawberries!  It was delicious.

I started my day, however, by visiting my moms niche at the cemetary.  I haven’t been up there in a while.  I havebeen having a really hard time with emotions and dealing with life lately.  Like I told my husband things are just “weird” with me.  It’s not just one thing it is a combination of a whole lot of things.  And often when I get this way the only one I can and have really ever been able to talk to is my mom.  So, yesterday was the day for that.  It’s not like mom can talk to me anymore, or give me advice, but she is still the listening ear for me when I feel like there is no one else.  I  miss her everyday and yesterday I missed her especially.

I have two kids graduating from college and highschool and she won’t be here for it.  I wanted my mom here for all that stuff…and she’s gone.  that’s part of my dilema.  And, step kid issues, business issues, relationship issues.  It’s all got me wound up into a ball of mess.  I’m not so sure what to do about it all except to keep praying that this too shall pass. 

But for now, thanks to my kids for the great meal…and the awesome purse, and my hubby for the movie, ice cream cone and time together!  It was a good birthday!

Octo mom rant….

I have been known to rant on occassion about various topics that really have nothing to do with me personally, and now I believe it is time for me to add my two cents…for what it’s worth (which isn’t much i’m afraid) regarding Octo-mom.  While I will admit that she is a little odd and her ways of going about gathering a family about her is unconventional, I have to say…this is america and most of what we do here is unconventional.  We are the land of the free the home of the brave and the country of the strange and odd.

I guess what bugs me the most is that she has become this person that people seem to think doesn’t deserve to have her children or who is mentally ill or whatever.  However, when I look at the myriads of reality shows that put on pedistals the oddness of large overgrown families I wonder why she has been singled out in this catagory.  We have John and Kate + 8 and while they seem like a lovely family, they are not without their own sort of dysfunction and are now going through marital growing pains and problems of their own.  There is the family with the 18 children who are not even sure if they are done having children, and they just married off one of thier kids…who is now saying they are going on in their parents footsteps to have as many children as they can.  No one can say that it wrong..it is their life, their family, their choice.  AND they have a reality show to prove it.  There is a new show starting I believe on TLC about a family with two sets of twins and a set of sextuplets….that’s a lot of children….yep they are married, a two parent household.  Will they stay married?  In this day in age….who really knows???  Let’s face it…i am on marriage number two and between my husband and I we have 9 children and 3 grandkids, 2 dogs, one snake, one lizard and a host of other odd sorts of relatives.  Are we happy? Yes.  Are we family? Yes.  Do we have problems?  You bet we do. 

So, today Octo mom kicks out the angel nurses that were sent to help her because they are “spying on her” to get stuff for child protective services.  Well, I would have to say that since they sent in 2 reports on the first day they were there that had to do with the paparazzi that were hovering outside her house (where were the police to handle that situation?) she was probably right.  And when 911 has to be called to have Gloria Alred removed from your house there is a problem.  Why would those nurses have needed the “wonderful” (said sarcasticly of  course) Gloria Alred to be around them 24/7 anyway?  I wouldn’t want her around my house watching me parent my children that’s for sure and I don’t have any thing to hide!  But guaranteed….she would find something.

That poor girl just needs to be left alone once and for all to raise her kids and get on with her life!

That’s my octomom rant!

a difficult topic

I have been cheated on.  Not recently, but, in my life, infidelity has left it’s indelible mark on my heart.  It isn’t something that I like to talk about and it is something that stays with  you for the rest of your life.  No matter how long ago it happened it never leaves  you.  It passes on from one relationship to the next and unfortunately it affects those relationships and they have to deal with the fallout for that infidelity.  There are still  days when I am consumed with wonder as to whether or not my current partner is cheating on me because of the fact that I have been cheated on in the past. 

what’s worse then that is that I know that I have done the misdeed of passing this fear and mistrust on to my girls.  I know in the backs of their minds they always wonder about relationships…whether it be friendships, relationships with the opposite sex, or even family members to some degree.  It is a vicious cycle that no matter how hard I try to stop it continues to grow and bcome an ever present monster in my life.   I find it difficult to watch shows or movies that deal with that topic.  Believe it or not it took me a long time to watch a movie with Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie in it…strange maybe..but that’s the truth of it. 

Some people think it’s funny.  That you can just pick up from it and move on.  but that’s really not the case.  You find yourself checking cell phones, emails, looking suspiciously at anyone who comes in the door.  It’s not a good way to live. 

It’s a painful reminder of how fragile the human emotion is.  How one person, one act of selfishness can ruin the ideals and feelings of so many around them.  I know all the theories about infidelity and that it takes two to make a relationship/marriage and that cheating doesnt “just” happen.  But I do believe it is a choice.  And that there are so many other choices that can be made in light of a bad relationship that would cause much less serious consequences then infidelity.  I tend not to write about it much, or even talk about it that much because it is just too painful.  There are days when it eats at me like a virus eating at my insides.  I don’t have feelings for my ex, I am way beyond that.  What hurts is the constant feeling that it could happen again, at any time  and that I don’t trust anyone anymore.  I  have lost my faith in that “happy ever after” marriage that I once so longed for in my life.  And I am afraid that I have ruined that for my girls as well..not by choice but by being who I am and going through what I have gone through and vicariously bringing them with me.  I want more for them then that.  I want them to feel open and free to love with their whole heart, not just partially like I do. 

Don’t even toy with cheating.  Don’t even think about it.  If cheating is in the cards for you, let the one your with go first.  It touches too many, and ruins too many.  And it’s just not worth it.

A Busy day

It’s been a busy time.  I have been searching for my replacement at the company.  It is a difficult job, because, I fear, that no matter who I find, how qualified, how expertly skilled they may be, my dear husband will have a difficult time adjusting to my not being there on a daily basis, as his gal friday as it were.  I think we have found the perfect person, and while I still have a few more interviews to do, I truly believe she is the right one for the job.  I know he will adjust in time, and it will get easier for him as it goes. 

I think the hardest part for me is that I have a tendancy to feel enormous amounts of guilt, and then I think “am I being selfish?  Am I thinking only of myself and my own needs?”  And I need to get over that.  I have always been a stuffer of feelings and emotions and have often allowed people to walk all over me, push me around, take advantage of me, often to the detriment of my health and well being.  And I just can’t do that anymore.  And this is the first step in the right direction of stopping that  behavior. 

Today was a perfect example of that.  I was not going to the office today.  I was determined, since the kids have spring break this week, to take this day totally off, take my daughter to her ortho apt, make them help me clean the house and get some things done around here that have been let go for way too long.  And I had told my husband this plan several times over the last several days to keep him constantly reminded.  I had also tried to let him know that I had wanted to only be available at the shop half days this week during spring break so I could be with the kids…but that didn’t seem to ever be working out…I was always pulled in too many directions…and the guilt…oh the guilt!

So, last night or should I say this morning, my husband gets home from work around 4 AM…we obviously don’t have enough help around there, and not enough money to help ease the work load for him either, but he knew that today was the day that I had intended NOT to be near that work place.  But, he had conveniently forgotten about my daughter’s apt and brought home a job that needed to be delivered that he was “thinking that I could deliver for him early this morning”.  Needless to say, the guilt….I delivered it, just made it to the apt, and carried on with my day from there.  It doesn’t seem like that would be that big of a deal, but just that one added little stressor in my day can throw things off for me to the point that I am out of sorts for the rest of the day. 

I managed to get a lot of the house cleaned…not as much as I would have liked to but I did get some done.  I am in some pain from doing as much as I did but I have to cram so much into one day, which isn’t the right way for me to do it when I am the way I am.  But I have to fit it in when I can.  I just wish that my husband would notice that it is a bit cleaner when he gets home and that i didn’t take the day off and just “sit around doing nothing all day”.  I even managed to take dinner down to him and have dinner with him and the kids tonight! 

I just hope that once I find the replacement, and things start to even out our life gets more normal and we can find a rhythm..that we can find a peaceful way to live and enjoy our life a little more.  Because right now..this isn’t really living…this is merely existing.  This isn’t how it should be I don’t think!

I need to change the subject for a moment and wish my sincerest condolences to the family of Natasha Richardson.  She was one of my favorite actresses.  Her tragic death was a sad end to a beautiful life and wonderful career.  My prayers and thoughts go out to her husband and family!