Lupus can be predictable part II

It would seem that in the whole vast realm that is my blog (Ha ha) “lupus can be predictable” seems to be the most read post.  I guess that’s a good thing because it means that more people are trying to get a handle on this whole lupus disease.  It’s a little perplexing to me that more people don’t know about lupus and the affects that it has on a family, on a person, on life in general.  Cancer is such a focus…and heart disease…high blood pressure… diabetes.  But lupus?? Hmm…but the reality is that all those former mentioned illnesses are often associated with lupus.  A lupus warrior ( I call them warriors because every day they go about their lives looking normal, acting normal, not letting on they are seriously hurting) can struggle everyday with cancer ( I have had squamous cell on my shoulder) heart disease, high blood pressure ( I am on three blood pressure meds and mine still averages 151/101) not to mention lung infections, arthritus, shingles, irritable bowel syndrome, blood clotting disorders, migraines, and a host of other ailments that just happen to accompany lupus. 

A lupus warrior gets used to reading their own bodies to feel when a flare is coming on.  Oftentimes we are very good at acting, we can pretend that everything is okay when it really isn’t.  But we ourselves KNOW when something isn’t right.  And, my family is getting pretty good at spotting when things are not quite right with me.  But, even then I try my hardest to throw them off the scent and pretend like things are good. 

For instance, I have been battling a migraine for about 2 days now.  But I still ran my kids around from here to there, I am going to lunch with dad today, I am trying my hardest to clean this messy house of mine, and keep moving.  Because in reality, there is only so long that someone can stay in bed, laying around, before they feel totally worthless and the depression that exists in the background of your mind everyday, moves to the forefront and destroys your day, week, month whatever.  So, I plug on.  But, tomorrow, when I have exhausted myself with trying to be a “good mom, good daughter, good wife” I will be in bed hardly able to move wishing I had taken better care of myself.  Hence, the predictable part of lupus. 

So, if you know someone with lupus or you yourself have it, know that you are not alone in your struggle, and fight.  Know that there are many many of us out here who are dealing this on a daily basis yet feeling hopelessly alone.  And don’t forget to at least some of the time take care of you!!!!!!  And, keep fighting!

Ugh!

Huge cotton candy desert!

I have been feeling gross all day today.  My stomach is churning and nothing that I eat stays inside of me for very long.  I’m not sure if I have a flu bug, or if it is just stress from the goings on of our home at this time.  I want so badly to write something positive and uplifting and life affirming here today.  I want to feel those things…faith grace mercy, joy, happiness.  But these days all I seem to feel is defeated and tired.  It would appear that life is giving me lemons right now and I am not sure how to make the lemonade!  Has anyone ever had those kinds of time in life? 

I try to really look for the good in every situation.  I stand by the fact that God’s grace is sufficient for me, but I gotta say that this is a time, in my life, which hasn’t really happened very often, that I am doubting..doubting myself, my life, my marriage, my family…I’m doubting god.  This is one of those times, like when I first was diagnosed with Lupus, when I don’t see any end in sight or at least  not very soon.  And, it’s not just the crud going on with my stepson, it is a  whole lot of strange things goin on in my life.  Maybe I am going through menopausal mid life crisis.  I’m telling you those hot flashes are way worse then my mom said, and she said they were pretty bad! 

We had a really fun weekend last weekend.  My stepson had basically run away on friday night and wasn’t heard from all weekend…so, we went to a movie and took my kids, yes MY KIDS to this great resturant over by the new cardinals arena.  We had a great time laughing and being together…like old times.  My other step son was with us and he gets a long with my kids great!  There was no stress going on about the other step son, no mention of him, no chatter about him nothing.  And…NO TEXTS or PHONE CALLS from my husbands’ ex about him (which are dozens on a typical day).  We were just us again, back to normal.  Then Sunday came and once again all hell broke loose!  The step son was brought by his mom back to our house, after having been on the run all weekend, and was given no consequences for that, no punishment it was back to life as normal…with him calling all the shots.  But for that one moment in time it was good.  I have tried and tried to tell my husband “do you see what he is doing to all of us”  but…to no avail.  anyway, I thought I would post some photos of the fun we had for that split second in time!

Huge cotton candy desert!

 

Just some random photos of life

Sometimes it takes looking at pictures and remembering the good times to make life seem a little better!  I have had to do that a lot lately!

Penelopes first christmas

I believe I have had enough!

I love my husband.  I do…I really do.  But I have had enough of his teenage  Juvenile delinquent son!  My step son, as some of you know, was arrested this summer around the end of June.  5 felony counts which were dropped down to only the weapons charge (as if that isn’t bad enough) in a plea agreement.  All he has to do is be drug tested now twice a week (that was only once but the parole officer upped that one), pay a 300 dollar fine, write a paper on peer pressure, do 24 hours of community service, go to school, stay away from his druggy friends, and get counseling.  Well guess what…he can’t do any of it, except the drug tests which have come up, according to the parole officer, diluted hence (yes I said hence) the upping of the testing from once a week to twice.

He has been leaving the house without telling anyone, hanging out with his drug addict friends (who are all over 18 by the way) skipping school, punching holes in our walls,and being a general pain in the rear.  My husband said this past weekend he had finally had enough and that he wasn’t allowed to come back to our house, in fact he was going to call the parole officer and tell her what was going on and probably he would end up in the detention center.  GOOD!  That is what he needs!  But guess what…one call from his ex and it is back to the same old crap.  And honestly I am so totally done with it.  My kids have moved out, and in with their dad because my step son is so violent and they are afraid of him.  My health is not great because of the stress.  Frankly, I have been gracious, forgiving and patient…but how much is enough?

Maybe I’m not being a good christian because I have given up…or have I actually given up if in fact I want him to get help that we as parents cannot provide him?  His mom and dad are not strong enough to deal with him.  I am definitely not strong enough to deal with him.

so, today I told my husband that I cannot be here any more when his son is here.  I’m not sure where I will go or what I will do, but I am tired of being put in last place, of our whole family being put in  last place because of this boy who doesn’t give a darn about anyone but  himself.   I just don’t know at this point what else to do!

I believe I  have had enough!