Processing life right now has become somewhat difficult. I’m not really sure how I am supposed to feel. It hasn’t truly hit me that dad is gone yet. I have purposely avoided going over to his house since the funeral week because I am afraid it will be too overwhelming for me. But, at the same time I need to go there to get some things out of there before the house is sold. I can feel my body reacting to my lack of reaction. I am sore and stiff and not feeling well. In fact this morning I woke up wondering if I am getting the flu…although I did have a flu shot! So, where do I go from here?
If i could just curl up and sleep for a few weeks I keep thinking that I will wake up and feel better. But, I’m sure that’s not true! I’m trying really hard to get into the christmas/thanksgiving spirit but that is coming hard to me as well. I can’t even believe that thanksgiving is next week already. I keep thinking I have at least a month to prepare for all of this.
Well, I guess I just keep putting one foot in front of the other…keep moving and forging ahead. As my grandpa used to say…”time marches on!”
This has been a hectic week. My dad landed in the hospital on saturday afternoon. Turns out he has a bowel obstruction, however they didn’t know exactly where or what it was. After a long three days today he had surgery to find the obstruction and remove it. The biggest glich in the whole thing was that his surgeon was a real ummm…not nice man. All the nurses told us how unpleasant he was, they wouldn’t even talk to him. They all said he was a great surgeon but not a “people” person. So, dad was taken in to the OR at 11:20 this morning. Then we were informed that we needed to pick a spokesperson for the family because the surgeon doesn’t come out to talk to the family, but he instead calls the desk and will take questions from one person. The nurse also told us that he didn’t “volunteer” info..if we didn’t ask he probably wouldn’t tell us. So, about 2 and a half hours later the Doctor calls the desk and my brother goes and asks our questions. He comes back to where we were all gathered and says “he was very pleasant, dad had an adhesion blockage from a previous hernia surgery. It went well. He will be in recovery for about an hour and then moved to a room on the surgical floor” So, we waited. About an hour and a half later the same nurse came out and said to us “your dad has just gone to recovery. Did the doctor call you?” “Yes” we said. “Good. Then he told you that your dad wasn’t breathing on his own and is on a ventilator, and will be moved to the ICU in about an hour.” “NO” we said. We hadn’t been told that at all. Pretty important peice of info for a doc to leave out don’t ya think??? Long story short, dad wasn’t moved to the ICU until about 4 and a half hours later. Once there his ICU nurse had to ask for all the information about dad and his surgery from my brother and I because the surgeon never came in and didn’t leave any notes at all. The poor nurse didn’t even know what my dad had surgery on! Welcome to modern medicine at it’s finest!!! But, hopefully they will remove the ventilator tomorrow and dad will be on his way to recovery!!!
Then tonight, I found out that someone has been reading my blog and reporting back to my husbands ex wife that I had been writing about my stepson and his trials and tribulations. Apparently that got my husbands ex quite upset. Now why, when we are having such difficulty in our family as it is, (if they actually read the blog they know all the ups and downs, and if they know me at all which they obviously do they know what life is like right now) why would they want to cause even deeper trouble in our relationship and home by involving his ex in what I write??? I never mention any names…I never even mention where he goes to school, where he lives, I’m not sure I even have mentioned his actual age. And, if they actually read ALL of my blog material they would also know that I have written very loving and great things about the same step son!!! And I have also written when I am frustrated with my own children, and my own life, siblings, father, whatever. All of these things in my life, these ups and downs, ins and outs, affect my health, affect lupus and autoimmune disease. That is what I write about! I also write about God’s grace and how He has been my strength in times when I didn’t think I could make it any longer. That’s why i write…what I write and who I write for!!! Life is difficult. It is messy. It is imperfect to say the least. I am a writer. And this is my canvas and where I paint my view of the world! It isn’t always pretty, but hopefully my life, and all the it encompasses is leading to a masterpeice!!!!
And that’s the truth!!!! Honeslty, I am not ashamed of anything I have written here! And, if the person who “read and tattled” is who I have a hunch it is….well, let’s just say…I really thought OUR relationship meant more then that!! Wrong again! I should also mention that my hubby does not read my blog…it’s just not something that he is in to. However, he has always known that I write here, that people read it and comment on what I write and that I read other people’s blogs as well. He also knows what I write about because I have never hidden that from him and he has access to the blog at anytime he wants to. I guess my thought is that if he is okay with me writing here, and writing what I write, and it isn’t hurting him or anyone else for that matter, then…that’s that!
So, I guess our justice system is really broken! I have a step son who is a teenager and on probation for a weapons charge. He took a plea deal….dropped from 6 felonies down to just one! the conditions of his plea are an essay, a fine, counseling, community service, cannot miss school, and must keep job, no involvement with drugs, dealing or alcohol, or with the kids who got him involved in those things in the first place. He cannot get a drivers license till he is 18, must follow household rules, drug tests twice weekly. He has deferred detention which means at any time (supposedly) the judge can throw him back in jail.
Guess what….he has been skipping school, not coming home at night, drinking, dealing drugs again, he punched holes in our walls at home, skipped counseling, has not written the essay nor paid the fine and skipped his community service. And that’s just part of the list. So, we called the PO….first of all i am not allowed to be involved in any way because I am “just” the step parent. Even though he is living in MY home and causing Chaos in MY life I have no involvement! Not only that, she said she can’t do anything unless we call the police for every infraction. Now wait a minute….I thought that is what he had a PO for??? No one told us we had to call the police for every infraction they told us to contact his PO. But, she says she can’t do anything. Today she was making a visit up to his school to meet with him and his teachers…guess what….he isn’t there. My husband got a text from him at 2 AM last night that said “Homey got shot, had to take him to ER wasn’t going to let him die”. But, no one can do anything about him. Amazing. Is it any wonder there are so many kids on the street in trouble? They get charges against them, get Parole officers who can’t do anything so there is no way they will ever change. If I hadn’t heard the PO on the phone with my own ears I never would have believed it!
So, yesterday I put a call in to the judge. After all she is the one at the hearing who said she could revoke his deferred detention and his plea bargain at any time and for any reason. She never called me back. I called again today…we’ll see if she calls back! This boy is destroying our life, our marriage, our family and making me sicker by the day. The stress of it is incredible.
As you know, or don’t know, I have lupus. Right now I am fighting strep throat, a strep rash on my neck, pleurisy, and I have to have an MRI on my lower back because something is growing there on my spine…nice huh? So, we are stuck. I went and spent one night at my daughters apartment the other night because I was so furious. But, being sick and sleeping on a couch just wasn’t cutting it for me so I am home. I am trying to be patient but I am not sure how much any of us, including my husband, can take. I guess if nothing comes of her visit to the school today I will just start calling the police…a waste of taxpayers money…but that’s what i will do! He needs to be away from this house so he can get the help he needs and our family doesn’t fall apart completely!!!
First and foremost I want to remember, today, all the men and women who lost their lives in 2001’s tragedy! And, to all the firefighters, doctors, nurses, public servents who went above and beyond the call of duty on that day I salute you all. I can’t even imagine what it was like to be there on that day. But, like all americans, I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing. When the news came across that a building had been hit by a plane i was in my room, with my daughter and we began watching the news. It was a work/school day so we were rushing around trying to get ready while trying to stay tuned at the same time. At first it was thought it was a random accident and then the second plane hit. I remember us both stopping…standing in front of the TV as the president spoke to the nation about the horrific sight that was unfolding in front of all our eyes!
My first thought was to hug my kids, to tell them i love them and to hold on to them. Then the fear set in. Where will they strike next? Are any of us safe anymore? That evening they held a service at our church, a prayer service, dedicated to all who had lost their lives and praying for us as a nation. I remember sitting there with my mom holding my hand as I cried thinking about my little boy, how scared he seemed as he talked about what had happened that day. I remember wanting to grab him, and hold on to him and never let him go. He was 7 years old then! And the days following were like a blurr. The sights and sounds of that day were played over and over for us to see…so we would never forget! Sometimes I think those sights and sounds need to be played more often. We have become a complacent nation. We argue and fight over so many things…some important but some, in the grand scheme of things, hardly worth fighting over. We need reminders of how our nation pulled together on that day, how we helped our neighbors without questioning each other’s political beliefs…we just jumped in. I remember all the flags hung from houses and cars, the bumper stickers. I remember think “Man I hope this keeps up…that people keep this spirit” knowing in my gut that we would all go back to life as normal, time fades all things. And, the flags have disappeared, the american spirit that was so prevelant during that time has faded. We need to get that back! We need to always and forever live the phrase “God bless America”.
Next monday I will be having some surgery to remove a lump from arm. It is thought to be cancerous. I have been in this very spot so many times before. Sometimes they were benign and sometimes they were malignant. Cancer is always scary no matter where it is on your body and no matter how much a doctor tries to tell you it will be okay. Cancer is a big scary word. I have had three breast biopsies. So far, all benign. But I did have squamous cell removed from my shoulder a couple of years ago. So, needless to say, a reoccurance is scary. But, I have faith and I believe and always will that God has brought me down this path for a reason. There is something I need to learn, some mark I need to leave on some small portion of this world. Maybe it’s just so that I can show my kids that although life can be scary you can get through just about anything with God, family and love by your side! Maybe it’s to reinforce the importance of family in my life and what it really means to fight for that! I’m not so sure yet. (I have secretly hoped it is so that I write this wonderful best selling book and end up in Oprah’s reading club LOL). Anyway, I know there is a reason for all of it. So, like everything else, I will get through monday with my daughter by my side (she has come from Tucson to be with me that day! I love her for that). It will work together for good!
This weekend, my husband and I are going to the movies with my step daughter and her husband and my step son. This is to celebrate my hubbys birthday that was on Tuesday. Here’s the big part of that. My step daughters husband is not one to ever go to movies, nor does he particularily enjoy hangin out with family. He is a solitary guy, who enjoys hunting, camping, quading, sort of solitary kinds of things. In the almost 10 years I have known him we have NEVER been to a movie with him. I go all the time with my step daughter because her husband doesn’t take her to movies. So, this is a big deal! And, my husband is pretty excited about it. Then after the movie they are going to pick up our grandson and come over to the house for a barbeque and some swimming…yes it is still swimming weather here…101 degrees and higher! YUCK! So, it should prove to be a great day!
I hope as you go through the rest of your day and this weekend, you will take a moment to remember those who lost their lives 8 years ago, thank God for your families and friends, and hold each other close for a few moments. I don’t think any of us say “I love you” enough…and there can never be too much of that!
I am a wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, lover, writer and a lupus fighter. My daily struggle with this illness has brought me many ups and downs but God's grace is limitless, His love is unfathomable. He makes the unlovely lovely and makes the chaos that is my life beautiful.
