losing a parent is hard …how people respond makes it worse!

I never thought that my family going through the loss of my dad would go the way that I have heard other family’s handled parental loss.   Without going into detail I will say that there are members of my family who are being quite insensitive to the feelings of others and the greiving process that we have to go through.  My sister and I have been so busy planning the funeral, taking care of out of state company, dealing with thank you notes, emails, not to mention the 3+ weeks that were spent with dad while he was so sick before he died…which fell on our shoulders as well.  I would have never given away that time with dad…never…it was our last chance to have some conversations, to tell each other we love each other, and to let him know that through everything he has been a wonderful dad to me.  So, I am not saying that I would have wanted to be with dad less.  I will say that possibly others in my family could have stepped up and been there a bit more, just to give my sis and I a break on occasion. 

Now that dad is gone it is like “lets get rid of his stuff, and pretend he wasn’t here or that none of this stuff means anything to us.”  At least that is the feeling that I get from some of my siblings/sibling in laws.  I hate to say bad things about my siblings, because we have always been a pretty close group.  But as we get older people change and things become different and relationships become strained and damaged.  I just really pray that in this instance we can get through this without feelings really being torn apart.  Because frankly right now I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest and it doesn’t really matter.  how sad is that?

Dad’s celebration of Life

Yesterday we held dad’s “celebration of Life”.  I call it that because that’s what it was more then a funeral.  There were so many people there..I was overwhelmed by how many people loved my dad and were there to support us through this time of loss.  There was a lot of laughter, a lot of music and a lot of love shared during the service.  I thought I would share some of the memories that some of the family members had of dad.  I hope this gives a little picture of the larger then life man that was my dad!

 

Laura Grand Daughter in law of Don (Jeff’s Daughter in law) -One of my favorite memories is when Jason & I let Don tell the family that I was pregnant at christmas dinner. He said that he had a big announcement to make and made it sound like he had found a hot new woman and was going to run off to get remarried. It was hilarious to look at everyone’s shocked faces and the relief when it was just the grandkids who were knocked up.

 

Diane Daughter in Law of Don (Jeff’s Wife)-What I will remember the most about Don is his crazy sense of humor! 
He could tell you a story that was completely made up and tell it with such 
a straight face that you thought for sure it must be fact. Then, once he 
knew he had you, he would get a twinkle in his eye and flash that big smile and laugh that Don Wright 
laugh, and you knew once again you’d been duped. I will miss being duped, 
and I will miss seeing that twinkle in his eyes. 

 

Cheri Staswick Niece of don-The one specific memory that I have has to do with his generosity.

I was going to Lutheran Bible Institute and it was during the last semester of my senior year.  I was working lots of hours while taking a full class load,  to try and pay off my college debt.  I can’t remember how much was left to pay, but a few hundred or so……..a lot of hours of work were still ahead.  Then I received a note from Uncle Don.  It said something along the lines of “Quit your job and enjoy the last months of school.”  Enclosed was a check for the full amount I owed.  What a mixture of feelings I had as I both laughed and cried…….thankful to both God and my dear uncle (and aunt). 

 

I know there were other times that I SHOULD remember, but that one stands out in my memory.  As God blessed him, he was quick to bless others.

 

David Son of Don -I believe it was right around 1973.  I was in the 8th grade playing football at Minnehaha academy.  Our team had not won a game all season.  My dads favorite president, Richard Nixon was in the oval office at the time and had contracted some phlebitis…blood clots.  Nixon made the term “phlebitis” popular.  My dad, out of sympathy pains for his hero was attacked by the same thing shortly after.  At that time, doctors put you in a cast from your ankle, all the way up to your groin.  So here I was ready for another loss, to be yelled at by my coach again, without dad to see me play.  Before we started the game, one of my buddies pointed and asked, “Who is that guy walking over on crutches with that big cast on?”  Well…it was dad…didn’t want to miss the game.  My friends thought that was so cool.  To top it off, on the sideline, he offered me 5 bucks for every time I sacked the quarterback.  I got five sacks that game, the coach only yelled at me six or seven times and best of all we won our only game of the season.  I take the importance of “Being there” for my children very seriously.  I learned it all that day in the 70’s at my football game.  Dad was there.  I know as he sits around that heavenly table with Mom, grandma, grandpa, Nixon, Ronald Reagan, Roy Rodgers and John Wayne, that he is watching his kids, grandkids and great grandkids playing the game of life.  David.

 

Kassi Woods granddaughter 19 years old (Lori’s Daughter)-The thing I will remember most about grandpa is how no matter how much I told myself not to believe grandpas silly stories but I always ended up falling for his tricks. Like one time when I was younger he had me convinced that Tim was born with his ear on his forehead and had to have surgery to fix it. As usual he was making it up. I will miss grandpas sense of humor and his big belly laugh when he finally got ya.

 

Lori “True favorite Daughter” of Don – There are so many memories I have of dad and life with him. But the one thing that I have always been amazed at is my dad’s unbelievable ability to handle pain. Over the years as most people know dad suffered heart trouble, knee trouble, belly trouble, you name it dad had it. And he always dealt with it with minimal pain medication, often taking none at all, and coming out of whatever it was with flying colors to the amazement of doctors! He and mom were both amazing that way! When I was a kid I had knee surgery a few times. Dad was always there for me, coaching me through the procedures and helping me rehabilitate afterward. He had been through it himself so often that he knew the drill. I remember vividly him coming into the hospital room just hours after surgery and forcing me out of bed, making me walk even if it was only two or three steps, to get me moving. I remember him having me sit on the side of the bed bending my leg until I could touch his hand, each time inching his hand farther and farther down until soon, without me even realizing it my leg was all the way bent. And I also remember him, after those painful times, going out into the hallway and crying because he had had to put me through that pain. That always touched me so much, it made me realize that he was only doing what was best for me even though it maybe hurt him more then it hurt me. In fact he told this story shortly before he died to Rena, a friend from Grace, who had stopped by to visit one day. Even in his last days dad’s memories were of being with his kids, grandkids, and taking care of all of us. I will miss him everyday!

Steve Son in Law of Don (Lori’s Husband)- I think, for me, Don can be summed up by comparing him to the character John Travolta played in the movie Michael. Michael was an angel but he wasn’t your average angel. He was gruff, no nonsense, what you see is what you get kind of angel. But he was also extremely loving and protective of those he cared about. Don was the same way. He never pulled any punches and you always knew where he stood on everything. At the same time he had an amazing sense of humor, he loved his family, they were the center of his life. And he loved Jesus! He will be missed by all of us!

  Eulogy -Donald H. Wright was born May 26th 1936 in a little town in Minnesota called Waseca. He was the son of Harold and Margret Wright. He had 3 siblings, Sister’s Pat and Carol and brother Jim.

Don married Joanne Klawitter, the daughter of a Lutheran Minister, in April of 1956 during a Minnesota snow storm. They had five kids; Tim, Jeff, David, Lori and Lise.

Don spent most of his life as a financial consultant/insurance salesman. He was always open for a challenge including owning an Art School in Cleveland Ohio. He was a staunch republican and a lutheran often joking that only those who were republican, Lutheran, and drove Kia’s would get into heaven.

Don and Joanne were married for over 50 years when Joanne went to be with Jesus almost three years ago. On October 29, 2009 Don Wright closed his eyes and went to be with Jesus and enjoy that great reunion with all his loved ones that had gone before him. He is survived by his five children and their spouses, 13 grand kids and three great grand kids. He will be greatly missed.
These are just a few things that were said about my dad.  He was an amazing man.  And while there were many times that his stubborness and non waivering attitudes just drove me crazy, he was a man unlike any other.  I will miss him everyday!  I guess one of the greatest lessons my dad every taught me was how to love.  The way he loved my mom during the 50+ years they were married, and the way he took care of her during her last days was such an example to me of how marriage should be.  Even through their ups and downs (and they had many) they stuck together, holding on to one another and never giving up.  And in the end of her life he was there holding her hand, telling her how much he loved her and sharing stories with all of us of their life together.  The last thing dad said to me the night he died was “I love you and I will say hello to mama for you!”  And I have no doubt that when he got to heaven, after he hugged her tight, he looked at her and said “Joanne, the kids all miss you and send you their love.  They are all looking forward to the great reunion we will all have one day, here in heaven.  You, me, the kids and Jesus!”

Oh my oh my…

This has been a hectic week.  My dad landed in the hospital on saturday afternoon.  Turns out he has a bowel obstruction, however they didn’t know exactly where or what it was.  After a long three days today he had surgery to find the obstruction and remove it.  The biggest glich in the whole thing was that his surgeon was a real ummm…not nice man.  All the nurses told us how unpleasant he was, they wouldn’t even talk to him.  They all said he was a great surgeon but not a “people” person.  So, dad was taken in to the OR at 11:20 this morning.  Then we were informed that we needed to pick a spokesperson for the family because the surgeon doesn’t come out to talk to the family, but he instead calls the desk and will take questions from one person.  The nurse also told us that he didn’t “volunteer” info..if we didn’t ask he probably wouldn’t tell us.  So, about 2 and a half hours later the Doctor calls the desk and my brother goes and asks our questions.  He comes back to where we were all gathered and says “he was very pleasant, dad had an adhesion blockage from a previous hernia surgery.  It went well.  He will be in recovery for about an hour and then moved to a room on the surgical floor”  So, we waited.  About an hour and a half later the same nurse came out and said to us “your dad has just gone to recovery.  Did the doctor call you?”  “Yes” we said.  “Good.  Then he told you that your dad wasn’t breathing on  his own and is on a ventilator, and will be moved to the ICU in about an hour.”  “NO” we said.  We hadn’t been told that at all.  Pretty important peice of info for a doc to leave out don’t ya think??? Long story short, dad wasn’t moved to the ICU until about 4 and a half hours later.  Once there his ICU nurse had to ask for all the information about dad and his surgery from my brother and I because the surgeon never came in and didn’t leave any notes at all.  The poor nurse didn’t even know what my dad had surgery on!    Welcome to modern medicine at it’s finest!!!  But, hopefully they will remove the ventilator tomorrow and dad will be on his way to recovery!!!

Then tonight, I found out that someone has been reading my blog and reporting back to my husbands ex wife that I had been writing about my stepson and his trials and tribulations.  Apparently that got my husbands ex quite upset.  Now why, when we are having such difficulty in our family as it is, (if they actually read the blog they know all the ups and downs, and if they know me at all which they obviously do they know what life is like right now) why would they want to cause even deeper trouble in our relationship and home by involving his ex in what I write???  I never mention any names…I never even mention where he goes to school, where he lives, I’m not sure I even have mentioned his actual age.  And, if they actually read ALL of my blog material they would also know that I have written very loving and great things about the same step son!!!  And I have also written when I am frustrated with my own children, and my own life, siblings, father, whatever.  All of these things in my life, these ups and downs, ins and outs, affect my health, affect lupus and autoimmune disease.  That is what I write about!  I also write about God’s grace and how He has been my strength in times when  I didn’t think I could make it any longer.  That’s why i write…what I write and who I write for!!!  Life is difficult.  It is messy.  It is imperfect to say the least.  I am a writer.  And this is my canvas and where I paint my view of the world!  It isn’t always pretty, but hopefully my life, and all the it encompasses is leading to a masterpeice!!!!

 

And that’s the truth!!!!  Honeslty, I am not ashamed of anything I have written  here!  And, if the person who “read and tattled” is who I have a hunch it is….well, let’s just say…I really thought OUR relationship meant more then that!!  Wrong again!  I should also mention that my hubby does not read my blog…it’s just not something that he is in to.  However, he has always known that I write here, that people read it and comment on what I write and that I read other people’s blogs as well.  He also knows what I write about because I have never hidden that from him and he has access to the blog at anytime he wants to.  I guess my thought is that if he is okay with me writing here, and writing what I write, and it isn’t hurting him or anyone else for that matter, then…that’s that!

Un believable!!!

So, I guess our justice system is really broken!  I have a step son who is a teenager and on probation for a weapons charge.  He took a plea deal….dropped from 6 felonies down to just one!  the conditions of his plea are an essay, a fine, counseling, community service, cannot miss school, and must keep job, no involvement with drugs, dealing or alcohol,  or with the kids who got him involved in those things in the first place.  He cannot get a drivers license till he is 18, must follow household rules, drug tests twice weekly.  He has deferred detention which means at any time (supposedly) the judge can throw him back in jail.

Guess what….he has been skipping school, not coming home at night, drinking, dealing drugs again, he punched holes in our walls at home, skipped counseling, has not written the essay nor paid the fine and skipped his community service.  And that’s just part of the list.  So, we called the PO….first of all i am not allowed to be involved in any way because I am “just” the step parent.  Even though he is living in MY home and causing Chaos in MY life I have no involvement!  Not only that, she said she can’t do anything unless we call the police for every infraction.  Now wait a minute….I thought that is what he had a PO for???  No one told us we had to call the police for every infraction they told us to contact his PO.  But, she says she can’t do anything.  Today she was making a visit up to his school to meet with him and his teachers…guess what….he isn’t there.  My husband got a text from him at 2 AM last night that said “Homey got shot, had to take him to ER wasn’t going to let him die”.  But, no one can do anything about him.  Amazing.  Is it any wonder there are so many kids on the street in trouble?  They get charges against them, get Parole officers who can’t do anything so there is no way they will ever change.  If I hadn’t heard the PO on the phone with my own ears I never would have believed it!

So, yesterday I put a call in to the judge.  After all she is the one at the hearing who said she could revoke his deferred detention and his plea bargain at any time and for any reason.  She never called me back.  I called again today…we’ll see if she calls back!  This boy is destroying our life, our marriage, our family and making me sicker by the day.  The stress of it is incredible.

As you know, or don’t know, I have lupus.  Right now I am fighting strep throat, a strep rash on my neck, pleurisy, and I have to have an MRI on my lower back because something is growing there on my spine…nice huh?  So, we are stuck.  I went and spent one night at my daughters apartment the other night because I was so furious.  But, being sick and sleeping on a couch just wasn’t cutting it for me so I am home.  I am trying to be patient but I am not sure how much any of us, including my husband, can take.  I guess if nothing comes of her visit to the school today I will just start calling the police…a waste of taxpayers money…but that’s what i will do!  He needs to be away from this house so he can get the help he needs and our family doesn’t fall apart completely!!!

« Older entries