To mom and Dad with Love

Do you see me from up there, above the sky, floating on the clouds?

Do you watch me laugh with my children?

Does your mind bring you back to when I was a little girl, when everything seemed so harmless, easy

Do you see me from up there as I go through my day?

When I cry because I miss you so, when my heart aches to see your faces, hear  your laughter gain insight from your advice?

Or do you only see the good stuff?  The happy times we have, the musical moments, whimsical happy times?

Is heaven as wonderful as it sounds? Or when you get there do you miss those left behind?

If you see me from up there, if you know and feel what I feel, then you know

I miss you each day!  I cry in my private moments for you. I regret not saying so many things. I feel badly about all the missed moments that we could have shared.  But I also cherish the time we had.  The love you gave to me, the lessons you taught, the family you gave me.

If you see me from up there please don’t forget about me.  Because one day I will be there with you.  And we will share all those moments making up for the time we lost!

Lori Gumm 2009

This is going to be a strange Christmas for me.  There have been so many huge events that have gone on the last year that it is difficult to even comprehend the impact those things will have on this holiday season.  At this point it would appear that my two step sons will be absent at our christmas this year.  Teenage years are so difficult as it is, add to that drug use, crime and bad choices and it becomes disasterous for everyone involved.  My stepsons have decided that their mom’s house is the place to be.  And at this point they are probably right.  Until they determine the right path their lives should be on, and realize that authority figures are there to help them along their way in life, not to hold them back, but to keep them from making stupid choices, and until their mom actually comes to the reality that the boys are moving down the wrong direction, we need to let them be where they are.  It is a sad thing but true none the less. 

I lost my dad about a month ago.  So, this will be the first Christmas without either of my parents.  For some odd reason it still hasn’t hit me that dad is gone.  He was always this larger then life man who seemed like no matter what came along he could beat it.  He had done it so many times over his life that the thought of him taking his last breath has not sunk in.  I still feel like I could go to his house and he would be there sitting in his recliner watching black and white cowboy movies, or Fox news.  In fact I don’t think I have actually grieved his death yet.  It’s just not real.  Maybe having Christmas without him will make it seem more real, more final.  But then again, he was going to be in Indiana with my brother for Christmas this year anyway…so  I just don’t know.

My kids are not living with me right now.  They moved out when the whole debacle with my step son happened.  And, they have not returned home.  They will be here to celebrate Christmas day with us, but there will be no waking up with them here in the morning.  That will be strange for me.  It is my hope that one day they will be able to forgive, to feel better about things and understand that no matter what I love them.

The economy is bad and we have a lot less money for giving then normal.  That is a really hard one for me.  I love buying things for my family.  I get way more pleasure out of giving then recieving at Christmas time.  But this year the funds just arent’ there.  So, I am going to have to be creative and make things, give things that have meaning and are precious but don’t necessarily cost a bunch. 

And, I am afraid that my health is not as good as it was last year.  Every year I get older and every year lupus gets harder to live with.  Just getting out of bed in the morning for me is a painful and often daunting task.  I know I am not doing as many things as I have in the past.  Christmas baking doesn’t sound like much fun to me this year…it is a long and painful task.  I am going to do some because my kids love it, it is a tradition, and it is a part of christmas.  But there won’t be as much.  And decorating over the years has become less and less for me.  This year, basically I have a tree and a few decorations around the family room.  That is about all my mind can wrap around.  It all causes pain.  I do have to say, however, that sitting on the couch and seeing the glistening lights, and the twinkling ornaments on the tree have made the pain seem worthwhile.  I have learned that scented candles scattered around flickering in the dim light of the moon make the room seem  more festive.  It’s an easy enough little trick to accomplish.

Last but not least, my step daughter and her 5 year old son (our grandson) are moving in with us this weekend.  She is pregnant with our next grandson, and is having some marriage issues and will be coming to live with us!  So, another new thing in our lives.

So, I guess life is about change, Christmas is the season for giving, for family and for sharing love…because of the love that was sent down to us 2000 years ago.  I hope that no matter what  your situation you can remember the reason for this time of  year and have a merry christmas.

While watching the American Music Awards on sunday night I found myself feeling very old and “out of it”.  But upon further reflection I  have discovered that what has really happened is that the world has gone completely bonkers.  There was so much bleeping out of words, so many times when I thought to myself “how inappropriate is that, and these are the people our kids look up to”.  And then came Adam Lamberts “performance” if you can even call it that.  I was shocked, appalled and quite honestly sickened by the whole thing.  I remember watching American Idol thinking that he was so talented, he had so much potential.  I remember thinking that God had given him a gift that he would hopefully use well!

guess what…I’m not so sure he is using the gift well!  It is just my opinion, but, his performance was so explicit and just plain wrong that I was really glad I wasn’t watching it with my kids.  I had hoped to purchase  his CD when it came out thinking it would be a great one to have.  Now, I won’t buy it! 

So, when did the world, people in the world, decide that behavior like that was okay on TV and that ‘we” all wanted to see it???  I guess I’m thinking that surely someone knew that the performance was going to be like that, and maybe a disclaimer or possibly those awards shows that are so disturbing, where they can’t even play entire songs without bleeping out half the words, should be on a cable network instead of a regular channel!  I believe in free speech, but there is a limit to what I want to see on TV.  And yes I could have not watched the show, however, there were a lot of other artists on the show who were wonderful and have amazing talent and were appropriate for a Sunday evening viewing.  What happened to our world?  To our sense of what is decent?  What is pure and right?  Adam Lambert’s performance was none of that!

Just my humble opinion.

Processing life right now has become somewhat difficult.  I’m not really sure how I am supposed to feel.  It hasn’t truly hit me that dad is gone yet.  I have purposely avoided going over to his house since the funeral week because I am afraid it will be too overwhelming for me.  But, at the same time I need to go there to get some things out of there before the house is sold.  I can feel my body reacting to my lack of reaction.  I am sore and stiff and not feeling well.  In fact this morning I woke up wondering if I am getting the flu…although I did have a flu shot!  So, where do I go from here?

If i could just curl up and sleep for a few weeks I keep thinking that I will wake up and feel better.  But, I’m sure that’s not true!  I’m trying really hard to get into the christmas/thanksgiving spirit but that is coming hard to me as well.  I can’t even believe that thanksgiving is next week already.  I keep thinking I have at least a month to prepare for all of this. 

Well, I guess I just keep putting one foot in front of the other…keep moving and forging ahead.  As my grandpa used to say…”time marches on!”

I never thought that my family going through the loss of my dad would go the way that I have heard other family’s handled parental loss.   Without going into detail I will say that there are members of my family who are being quite insensitive to the feelings of others and the greiving process that we have to go through.  My sister and I have been so busy planning the funeral, taking care of out of state company, dealing with thank you notes, emails, not to mention the 3+ weeks that were spent with dad while he was so sick before he died…which fell on our shoulders as well.  I would have never given away that time with dad…never…it was our last chance to have some conversations, to tell each other we love each other, and to let him know that through everything he has been a wonderful dad to me.  So, I am not saying that I would have wanted to be with dad less.  I will say that possibly others in my family could have stepped up and been there a bit more, just to give my sis and I a break on occasion. 

Now that dad is gone it is like “lets get rid of his stuff, and pretend he wasn’t here or that none of this stuff means anything to us.”  At least that is the feeling that I get from some of my siblings/sibling in laws.  I hate to say bad things about my siblings, because we have always been a pretty close group.  But as we get older people change and things become different and relationships become strained and damaged.  I just really pray that in this instance we can get through this without feelings really being torn apart.  Because frankly right now I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest and it doesn’t really matter.  how sad is that?