It was my anniversary!

January 22, 2009 at 4:20 am (BLENDED FAMILY, depression, family and life, infidelity, life in our world of insanity, marriage)
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I feel sort of badly because my 8 year anniversary to my DH was yesterday….and slightly overshadowed by the inaugeration of President Obama.  So, today I am going to tell our story a little bit. 

We met on the internet about 10 years ago.  Yep that’s right on the internet.  We chatted for quite some time before we actually spoke on the phone and then met for the first time.  I started falling for him almost immediately!  I can’t say that the same was true for him.  I think he was still hurting over his divorce, and he was also seeing some other women at the same time….BAD BOY! LOL.  But, we continued to talk and see each other off and on until he went on a business trip for a week.  During that week we emailed back and forth trying to figure out what we were doing.  When he flew in a week later he showed up on my doorstep and the rest, as they say, is history!

Our life together hasn’t been without it’s struggles.  We are a blended family…a LARGE blended family.  He had six kids I have three…yep nine kids between  us.  I played mom for his youngest daughters wedding when her mom was unable to be there, I became grandma to his grandkids.  We even went through the heartache of losing a grandchild when he was only a few days old. 

We have been through tough teenagers, money trouble, starting a new business, losing jobs, and losing my mom.  But by far I think one of the hardest things we have been through is my diagnosis of lupus about 6 years ago now.  I really thought he would leave, run.  What man would want to spend the rest of his life with a woman who has a chronic disease and three kids to raise?  He only had two left at home, and certainly life would be easier without me around.  We struggled, I struggled.  I have had a lot of self esteem issues, many moments of discouragement and depression when I  have cried out to God for help.  What got me through those moments was my husbands loving arms around me. 

Even when we have had our hardest moments, moments when we wondered what would become of us, we still held on to one another.  Many outside forces try to disrupt marriages in this world.  It is so easy to give up, divorce and move on to the next person.  But this marriage, for me, is a lifetime deal.  I’ve been divorced, I’ve felt the pain of betrayal, I’ve lived with heartache and pain.  I have learned that I need to share those moments of concern with my partner.  Together we can work it out and make our marriage stronger and healthier. 

So, happy anniversary honey.  I love you more today then I did the day we got married.  You are my rock and you keep me steady when I feel like I’m tumbling through a maze of confusion.  I cannot imagine a life without the comfort of your arms, the warmth of your smile and the joy that fills my heart when we laugh together.  8 years…the best is yet to be!

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My brain is foggy!

January 15, 2009 at 7:51 pm (family and life, life in our world of insanity, marriage)
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I’m not sure about any of you other’s out there with Lupus, or any other chronic disease for that matter, but do you find yourself planning your shower time around your life?  I find myself penciling in my showers/baths for when I think I will have the most energy to do it…I mean the fixing of the hair, shaving the legs/pits, just the whole thing.  Even putting lotion on can tend to wear me out.  I mean this bod of mine isn’t exactly tiny….it takes some doin to get all the bits and parts lotioned up.  And, I’m getting old besides so I need all the moisturizing I can get!  It wears me out just thinking about it!

There are days when I wish I was one of those really wealthy people who can afford to have someone do all this stuff for me, (not lotioning part, unless it were like …hmmm….Johnny Depp:) )  If I only had someone who could have a brain for me to remember things.  I forget from one minute to the next what I am supposed to be doing, what I was doing, where I was going, why I was going.  There are times when I get to the grocery store knowing there was a specific thing I needed and guess what….I have no idea what it is when I get there!  It is so frustrating.  That makes me tired…trying to remember!

My daugther turns 19 on Friday.  I certainly hope I remember her name on that day!  Seriously, sometimes it is scary what happens with this disease.  It turns your brain and body to mush.  And it isn’t too good on the self esteem.  There are so many days when I feel inadequate, old and antiquated.  And, I’m not really that old!  Inside I feel like I am still in my twentys.  Is there going to come a day when I don’t remember who I am laying next to in bed?  We haven’t been married that long…sometimes it seems as if we were cheated out of time by this disease!  And my kids were cheated as well.

All I can say is that I am thankful for the days when my brain seems normal.  And though they are sometimes few and far between, they still happen.  And for that I am grateful!

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Changes are hard sometimes!

January 12, 2009 at 11:01 pm (BLENDED FAMILY, family and life, life in our world of insanity, marriage)
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There have been a lot of things goin on around our world of chaos lately.  I’m gonna try to fill you in as best as I can. 

Let’s start with my daughter who I am so proud of and thankful for!  Many of you may remember that she accepted an internship here in Phoenix with the legislature.  We were all so proud of her and it was going to be a great opportunity for her in her quest for a career.  She is a journalism major at the U of A and because of the internship she had to put her graduation, which would have been in May, on hold until december.  Once she got here, (she had to move away from her boyfriend in Tucson, quit her job in Tucson and was going to be living with her grandpa) and began the internship it wasn’t at all what she expected or was told it was going to be.  It really had very little to do with writing/journalism and more to do with speaking in front of committees, and senators and representatives.  She was assigned to the second busiest committee in the house at this time and would be handling up to 5 or more bills a week to be presented for possible passage by congress.  I have never seen her so overwhelmed and overwrought in my life.

My daughter is fairly high strung, and a huge perfectionist.  But she is also terrified of public speaking.  She found herself physically ill and doing nothing but crying from the time she ended work until the next morning when she had to go back in.  She played a facade/role through the day and then got in her car and broke down.  My mother’s heart was breaking for her.  She called me every day, texted me, wanting to quit, wanting to go back to school so she could just graduate in may like she had anticipated doing from the beginning. 

I couldn’t tell her what to do.  She had to make her own decision, and do what was right for her.  And I think she did.  She left the internship, miraculously got enrolled in the classes she needs to graduate in May, and went back to Tucson.  The only peice of the puzzle missing at this point is finding a  new job.  I have every confidence that she will find that as well.  God has been pulling everything together for her so well up to this point.  I don’t doubt that He will continue to be faithful for her.  The whole experience brought she and I closer I think.  We talked about a lot of things, her hopes her dreams.  Where she really wants to be.  It was NOT in the capital!  I’m proud of her and her choice!

The next big change is that we are finally taking our kids on a vacation.  It is going to be short and sweet, and maybe the last one for some time, but we are going to disneyland.

It was odd how it came about really.  My husband said to me one night that our family really needs to start coming first in our life.  The business has consumed us for a year now and we have really seen no “perks” for all the hardwork.  And our kids have missed out on a lot of time with us, and my husband especially has missed out on a lot of time with them.  So, that very night we scheduled and booked our trip to Disney.  We are going for a weekend…short…but we will all be together.  We are even bringing our grandson and his mom with.  It would be awesome if ALL the kids could be there but some are in washington and Ash is in Tucson so we won’t all be together, but the ones that are here will be.  And that is awesome!  I’m very excited. 

My hope now is that my medication evens out so that I am feeling enough energy to walk around disney for a whole day.  I did stay home today, did some cleaning and relaxing.  I am really going through a downward phase right now and it is a bit frustrating.  I just have no energy, no umph (is that how you spell that word??)  I’m not sure if it is new medication or a combo of things at this point.  But I have a couple of weeks to work toward being more energetic.  And, if I have to find a bench and rest while at Disney that is what I will do. 

This sunday, though…we are all going to see the Lion King.  My daughter and her boyfriend bought us all tickets to see the show this sunday, for christmas.  My sister and her family, my dad, my family, we are all going together.  It will be so much fun! 

So, those are the changes in life that we have been dealing with thus far.  Change is good, but sometimes it is hard.  To think that a few years ago getting around disney would really have been not that big a deal for me, and now i am worried about it…that’s a huge change.  My daughter is acting and being an adult, making huge decisions on her own, choices that I am proud of her for making.  I guess that means i did a pretty good job of raising her!  Which was only by the Grace of God!

Life is good all around.  I’m going to live it….come what may!

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Almost friday!

August 28, 2008 at 2:47 pm (BLENDED FAMILY, family and life, life in our world of insanity, marriage, the life of a lupus survivor)
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My silly girls at the casino

My silly girls at the casino

These last couple of weeks have been interesting…and a bit difficult.  I have been dealing with some health stuff, which is fairly common these days.  So, I guess I am getting used to it, or as used to it as possible.  Yesterday our pet pig Elvis went to live on a farm.  That was a sad for us.  It is quiet without him here but he has so much more space to roam and be free where he went.  He went to a great home with someone who, i have no doubt, will love him immensly. 

And we have been busy.  Work is consistant, however it could be busier.  it would add a peace of mind if we had a bit more activity…but I am pretty happy with how things are going…especially in the economy we are in. 

There is always drama of one kind or another.  I guess one can’t escape that in life.  The circumstances surrounding my step son has really caused ripples here at this home.  I wish it weren’t that way.  But everyone seems to be affected when one person messes up big.  Of course there is forgiveness and the need to move forward.  And there is always hope that things get better, he gets help for whatever demons he is dealing with, and that we can return to being a “family”.  But until that day there is just day to day life.  Blended family life is difficult as it is without drama and trauma.  I’m trying so hard to stay focused and loving and accepting.  We have worked so hard for the last 8 years to make this a family and a home.  And some days I want to give up.  But in the end, when the kids are grown and have families of their own, I am really hopeful that they remember this family, they remember that we had each other’s backs even when it didn’t seem that way.  And that the parents in “this” home only wanted the best for ALL of the kids here. 

There have also been odd conversations with people over the last couple of weeks.  conversations that bring back old memories, some painful, some good.  There are people who walk in and out of our lives for one reason or another and often it is difficult to figure out why they have been sent to affect your life.  I have had to grow over the last several years, to a point where I feel confident in myself.  I believe in myself enough to know that if it all fell apart I could make it on my  own.  If something ever happened to my husband I would be devastated but I know I could survive.  That is a huge step for me.  I have learned that there are always things pulling people one way or another and I, personally, can only control myself and how I respond to those things.  I am a whole person, just me, even with lupus, even with all my quirks.  I am whole.  And I will survive through it all. 

So, it has been an interesting few weeks.  Tomorrow is friday!  I need a weekend to recoup.  I need time to just relax and take a break from it all.  But, the learning and growing never ends.  Afterall, that’s what life is all about!

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