March 5, 2009 at 12:57 am (family and life, life in our world of insanity, marriage)
Tags: business, Family, joy, kids, Life, Lupus, medical, random, sickness, thoughts, work
I have been writing off and on about my life and how I need to downsize…get rid of some responsibilities and take care of me. Well the time has come and I have taken the initial steps to make that happen. Since my husband lost his job about two years ago, bought a new business etc it has been quite a ride. There have been so many ups and downs and victories and not so great victories…but..it has taken it’s toll on my body. I haven’t been listening to it like I should and I have been brushing aside the signs and warnings that things aren’t right. But I have kept pushing a long because I knew my husband needed me, I knew he couldn’t do it on his own. I want it to be a success.
Off and on over this past year I have gotten sick with different things. Each time I have bounced back pretty well. My blood work has gone up and down, back and forth, like it does when you have lupus. There have been days when I have thought that possibly living was more of a drudgery then a celebration. Don’t get me wrong…I’m not talking sucide or anything like that…I’m just saying that the life that I do have, the one that I “can” live I should be trying to live the best that I can…but I’m not. I am blowing the chance to enjoy what I can.Then this last illness really knocked me to my knees. And I haven’t yet gotten back up. Every day I hope against hope that I have gotten stronger and some days I do feel better. But for the most part I start out okay but after an hour or so I am just wiped out. Sure the sores are, for the most part, gone, but the pain of shingles seems to hang on for quite some time. The fatigue goes on, and drags me down. It is often difficult just to move from one chair to another or from one task to the next. Even the thought of what to make for dinner some nights wears me out.
What’s really scary for me is that there are times when I am driving, for instance, to take one of my son’s friends home whom I have taken home millions of times, and I can’t for the life of me remember how to get to his house. My brain is on permanent vacation. When I have gone into the business just to do the things that absolutely can’t be done without me, I often have to sit and think before i do it…I just can’t remember from one minute to the next what I am supposed to be doing. I am not bouncing back this time. I am listening…my body is speaking to me and it is time for me to listen.
Today I told my husband I can’t go on like I have been. I need to stop. I need to choose living….I need to slow down, and listen to what my body is saying. I am not sure how we are going to accomplish this…who we will find to pick up the slack…what we will do. I prayed to God that he wouldn’t be angry, or disappointed. But, he agreed…just like that…he agreed. So, here’s to choosing life. Choosing me! I’m not going to feel guilty for wanting to enjoy what I can of what I have. I have been given a rotten roll of the dice but I need to make the best of that roll! There can still be beauty and lovliness…there can still be laughter and good times instead of fatigue and illness all the time. One day at a time….listening to my body and taking care of me for a change.
Next week will be a difficult week for me. My husband will be going on a business trip…the first without me in a long time. I’m still not 100% and I’m a bit on the emotional side although I don’t allow anyone to see that very often. I just pray to God that the week goes fast! After that…the new me begins!
6 Comments
January 15, 2009 at 10:59 pm (depression, family and life, life in our world of insanity, marriage)
Tags: business, children, chronic illness, crime, economy, health, Life, RELIGION, theft, thoughts
You know how people talk about feeling violated when their house or car is broken into? Well today, I feel violated. My purse was stolen out of my office today…while we were in the building. I mean, someone walked into my office, and just took it and walked back out again. What a horribly overwhelming feeling of being lost. All my identification, my credit cards, my medications, my camera, cell phone even my car and office keys were in my purse! Now someone else has it and what they will do with it who knows?
So, who do you call first? Do you call the doctor and pharmacy? The bank? Cell company? I couldn’t even call my kids cell phone numbers cuz, guess what…they are all stored on my cell phone. I’m not smart enough to write them down in an address book. Who carries those things anymore? And even if I did it would be gone with my purse! My brain just isn’t smart enough to remember all those numbers anymore. I guess I will have to get an address book for the office and one for the house with all personal cell phones in them….geez!
So, there is an update of my day. OH, gotta run. The police just got here to take a report and then the locksmith will change the locks on the office door. I hope they catch whoever did this!
3 Comments
December 2, 2008 at 4:17 am (BLENDED FAMILY, family and life, life in our world of insanity, marriage, the life of a lupus survivor)
Tags: business, economy, Family, frustration, God, jobs, Life, Lupus, money, prayer, RELIGION
Sometimes I think that God has a very strange sense of humor. Actually what I really think is that he has an evil little sparkle in his eye, one of those ones that a two year old gets right before he is ready to play a prank on his parents. I think he has a somewhat scary little laugh and often times just sits up there in heaven watching and waiting for us down here to become completely frustrated, befuttled and beside ourselves, then he laughes that laugh, twinkles that twinkle and then finally…after he is good and ready decides to finally dive in to do his business and help out. That’s exactly how I am feeling right now.
I have been praying and praying since we bought this business that it would be a success…no not even a success…that it would make enough money to pay our bills, be able to pay our one employee (that’s all we can afford) and that we would be able to pay ourselves a pay check…hopefully sooner rather then later. Well here it is almost a year in and guess what???? we have yet to be able to pay ourselves, we are probably going to have to cut our guy back to 30 hours a week and we are praying every month to make ends meet. Now when I prayed that God would open a door after my husband lost his job I was really thinking that the door would be one that would prove to be profitble as far as earning a living, making our life, well, at least liveable, and that things wouldn’t be harder then they were before. I really wanted a door to open that would allow for the two of us to work together but yet for me to be able to have the time I need to stay healthy, control my lupus, not over do it, not stress, just generally not be sicker from the opportunity then I was from my husband being jobless. I wanted a door to open that would allow for him to go to work and then come home at night to our family so that we could have time together…as a family…not time without him as he works away at the shop till the wee hours of the night trying to keep up cuz we can’t afford to hire another person to help him. That’s the door I was praying for. That’s the door i thought we were walking through. That’s the door I thought God had provided. And boy have I been wrong and, honestly quite disappointed in God.
I am a firm believer that God knows that we as humans get angry with him from time to time. I myself have had that moment of anger at my maker several times. Once when my first husband was unfaithful, several times over this stupid disease I live with on a daily basis, there was the anger over losing my mom. All aimed at God of course. Who else could I blame for those things? And now, right or wrong, I am mad about this business…this job, the time that is taken away from our family, the fact that the economy stinks right now…all of which are man’s fault I’m sure….but still…I prayed…I did my part…I got on my knees…I prayed, I begged even….this opportunity fell in our lap. We jumped. Did we jump too soon? Were we too desperate? Did we not listen closely enough for what he was really telling us? Or does he have more in store for us and we need to be patient andwait? is that whats’ going on here? Is he sayin “Lori..you need to just be patient and hurry up and wait!”
Wait on the lord ……wait……and he will direct your path. Well, I’m waiting…watching and praying that we are going down the right one!
2 Comments
September 23, 2008 at 2:36 am (BLENDED FAMILY, family and life, life in our world of insanity, marriage, the life of a lupus survivor)
Tags: business, carpentry, craftsmen, Family, husbands, jesus, work
When I am at work, at our shop, watching my husband work, I think of Jesus. Now, don’t get all excited..it’s not because I think my husband “is” Jesus, or that he even looks like what our image of Jesus is. It’s because when we are at the shop he is working with his hands, building, creating, making, doing. He works with wood, and steel and shapes, and sawing. His hands are strong, and capable yet they have a softness to them that I can actually see as he molds the steel just right to fit into the wood slots where they belong. My husband is a carpenter of sorts. He is a craftsman. And, when I see the time and attention, the work and pride he puts into each and every product that he builds for a customer, I see Jesus’ love. He doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t preach about things. He just is who he is. Oftentimes I don’t think he even realizes the way he shows Jesus to me on a daily basis.
Our shop is a small place. We only have one other employee. And he is a master craftsman as well. The two of them work in tandem together so well. It’s like they can read each other’s minds a lot of the time. We work in a gentle shop. There is no cussing, or yelling, or back stabbing that often happens in the work place. It’s just two men, who are really great with their hands, working side by side, to create! And in that atmosphere, even on the most hectic of days, I know that Jesus is in everything we do.
My husband pushes me to be better. There are days, many days I’m afraid to say, when I don’t feel well, I feel as though I can’t make it. There are days that I want to crumble and give up. But then he comes to me and gives me a little kiss and thanks me for helping him. He tells me he loves me. He makes cute little jokes about our marriage, and how when I come to work he feels comforted. Sometimes it’s as though even if I just show up andcan’t really do much of anything he is happy having me there. He makes me healthier and happier and better. He shows me love and compassion, like Jesus does! He shows me grace…cuts me slack on the bad days.
I see Jesus in my husband and it gives me great Joy!
3 Comments
