I am sick again.

One week from disney land and I am sick.  I have an ear infection, a sinus infection, and I feel really gross.  Hopefully the doctors and the antibiotics will make me all better!  I need to be better by friday cuz I cannot wait to go to disneyland with the family!  There is nothing more exciting then seeing the look on the face of a little one the first time they walk through the gates of the magic kingdom.  Our grandson’s first trip is on Sat and I couldn’t be more excited for that moment.  He means the world to me. 

I never thought that a “step” grandson could become so much a part of my heart.  But he is truly MY grandboy!  i don’t know how it will feel when my own kids have babies, I’m sure it will be special and exciting and thrilling.  But, seriously, I have been here with two little babies being brought into the world.  One of which we lost when he was just days old.  I thought my heart would tear in two.  Then Troy was born and I fell in love with him immediately…and so did my kids.  So, now to see him at disney for the first time will be so much fun.

I just wish that the rest of the kids and the other grandkids could be there with us when we go.  Unfortunately they will be unable to be there.  I miss them like crazy.  Since they  moved back to washington it has been quieter here.  There presence is truly felt in our house.  The chaotic noise of kids running around is not the same without them here.  And i do miss them.  Maybe one day we will all be able to get it all together to go on a trip somewhere.  That is a dream that my parents always had and it didn’t come true before mom died. 

there are so many things I want to do before I die.  My husband and I were talking about some of them just last night at our anniversary dinner.  We’d like to go to Ireland, scottland, greece.  Finances get in the way of doing so many of those things we dream about.  But, going to disney with thekids was also a dream and now we are making that one come true.  And, I cannot wait!  Now, I just need to get well before then!

Or….I will walk around disney sick…cuz i won’t miss it!

Changes are hard sometimes!

There have been a lot of things goin on around our world of chaos lately.  I’m gonna try to fill you in as best as I can. 

Let’s start with my daughter who I am so proud of and thankful for!  Many of you may remember that she accepted an internship here in Phoenix with the legislature.  We were all so proud of her and it was going to be a great opportunity for her in her quest for a career.  She is a journalism major at the U of A and because of the internship she had to put her graduation, which would have been in May, on hold until december.  Once she got here, (she had to move away from her boyfriend in Tucson, quit her job in Tucson and was going to be living with her grandpa) and began the internship it wasn’t at all what she expected or was told it was going to be.  It really had very little to do with writing/journalism and more to do with speaking in front of committees, and senators and representatives.  She was assigned to the second busiest committee in the house at this time and would be handling up to 5 or more bills a week to be presented for possible passage by congress.  I have never seen her so overwhelmed and overwrought in my life.

My daughter is fairly high strung, and a huge perfectionist.  But she is also terrified of public speaking.  She found herself physically ill and doing nothing but crying from the time she ended work until the next morning when she had to go back in.  She played a facade/role through the day and then got in her car and broke down.  My mother’s heart was breaking for her.  She called me every day, texted me, wanting to quit, wanting to go back to school so she could just graduate in may like she had anticipated doing from the beginning. 

I couldn’t tell her what to do.  She had to make her own decision, and do what was right for her.  And I think she did.  She left the internship, miraculously got enrolled in the classes she needs to graduate in May, and went back to Tucson.  The only peice of the puzzle missing at this point is finding a  new job.  I have every confidence that she will find that as well.  God has been pulling everything together for her so well up to this point.  I don’t doubt that He will continue to be faithful for her.  The whole experience brought she and I closer I think.  We talked about a lot of things, her hopes her dreams.  Where she really wants to be.  It was NOT in the capital!  I’m proud of her and her choice!

The next big change is that we are finally taking our kids on a vacation.  It is going to be short and sweet, and maybe the last one for some time, but we are going to disneyland.

It was odd how it came about really.  My husband said to me one night that our family really needs to start coming first in our life.  The business has consumed us for a year now and we have really seen no “perks” for all the hardwork.  And our kids have missed out on a lot of time with us, and my husband especially has missed out on a lot of time with them.  So, that very night we scheduled and booked our trip to Disney.  We are going for a weekend…short…but we will all be together.  We are even bringing our grandson and his mom with.  It would be awesome if ALL the kids could be there but some are in washington and Ash is in Tucson so we won’t all be together, but the ones that are here will be.  And that is awesome!  I’m very excited. 

My hope now is that my medication evens out so that I am feeling enough energy to walk around disney for a whole day.  I did stay home today, did some cleaning and relaxing.  I am really going through a downward phase right now and it is a bit frustrating.  I just have no energy, no umph (is that how you spell that word??)  I’m not sure if it is new medication or a combo of things at this point.  But I have a couple of weeks to work toward being more energetic.  And, if I have to find a bench and rest while at Disney that is what I will do. 

This sunday, though…we are all going to see the Lion King.  My daughter and her boyfriend bought us all tickets to see the show this sunday, for christmas.  My sister and her family, my dad, my family, we are all going together.  It will be so much fun! 

So, those are the changes in life that we have been dealing with thus far.  Change is good, but sometimes it is hard.  To think that a few years ago getting around disney would really have been not that big a deal for me, and now i am worried about it…that’s a huge change.  My daughter is acting and being an adult, making huge decisions on her own, choices that I am proud of her for making.  I guess that means i did a pretty good job of raising her!  Which was only by the Grace of God!

Life is good all around.  I’m going to live it….come what may!

Thanks and things

First off I want to say thank you to all of you who read my blog and leave such great comments.  I don’t think I say that enough…especially those of you who read often and follow me on my journey!  That is so inspiring to me and I am grateful for the time you take to read my words!

Now on to today’s tidbit.  Have you ever had a dream..you know one of those dreams that seems to affect you for a long time even after you wake up from it?  One of those panicky dreams where you know you need to do something to make something different, but you can’t get your arms or legs to move, you can’t open your eyes to see and no words can come out of your mouth because you are paralyzed with either fear, guilt, astonishment, joy, or whatever?

Well I had one of those this weekend.  Here’s the thing though, I can’t really remember the dream, but I know that I woke up completely irrate with my husband!  Whatever happened in that dream made me so angry, so upset, so hurt that I could barely look at him for about 2 hours after we got out of bed.  And, seriously, I can’t remember the dream.  I just know that he ticked me off.  Now how unrational is it to be mad at a man, who has no idea what he did wrong, he, in fact, didn’t do anything wrong, accept appear in my derranged mind for what could have been a split second in time causing me extreme pain?  How strange and psycho is that? Even now when I think about it I still feel a twinge of anger..and at what?  Who knows!  A stupid wandering of my mind to places that it should not have gone without my permission!

Maybe it was a premeniton, or a warning of some sort.  Maybe it was a sign of things to come, or maybe it was some unresolved issue from way back that even I can’t remember coming back to haunt me.  Nevertheless, it was strange. 

So, here is what I decided.  From now I on I am going to write down my dreams, and try to determined what caused me to dream them.  Was it the huge bowl of icecream before bed?  A movie we watched?  A place we went?  A song I heard?  Or are my meds out of whack?  Is my lupus going into another flare and am I getting sick?  Is that a sign of that?  Maybe then I will understand these strange happenings in the night…cuz let me tell ya, this isn’t the first time I have had a strange dream…

You don’t want to even get me started on my mom (now deceased) and her nighttime visits to me…and they are not the comforting ones from those lovely stories you might hear of loved ones coming back from the grave to let you know they were at peace..oh no…not MY mom….and certainly not MY dreams.

Dreams…why do we have them?  Do they try to teach us something that we is unteachable to us when we are conscious?  Or are they just another thing that God watches us through and then laughs cuz we can’t figure out what they mean?  He does have quite a sense of humor ya know…afterall..he created me! LOL.

I have a dream

I have this dream…fantasy really.  It may sound odd to some.  It’s not about having millions of dollars, or being famous.  It’s not even really that the Lupus that I live with everyday would go away…although that would be really nice!  It’s much simpler then that.

I would love to have a little house, a cottage, by the ocean somewhere.  Maybe near cape cod, or even in Santa Moncia.  A place where I could go, along with my hubby, to live, breath air, take long walks and just write.  A small place that is comfortably decorated, yet small enough not to have to take millions of hours to clean on a weekly…daily basis.  I dream of a home where I could pop the windows open and let the fresh air blow in, and when it’s chilly outside I could sit under a blanket, and read, drink tea, or watch movies with my husband. 

I fantasize about a place with much less drama, where life is calmer, quieter, sweeter and based on nothing more then just being together and enjoying…well…enjoying life.  The simple things of life.  I wouldn’t even mind it if my kids still lived there..cuz actually I do enjoy the chaos and noise that they bring (within reason that is).  I would love to live in a cooler climate where the sun and heat don’t cause me such grief. 

Sometimes I read books or stories by people who have traveled to these amazing countries.  They tell of the simple way of life for people who live there.  Taking a stroll to the market, smelling the fresh fruits, and knowing everyone who lives nearby.  They look out for one another, but yet they live a solitary life at the same time.  Picturesque…quiet…gentle, happy.

Now I’m not saying that I have a bad life.  I have a good life.  I have a loving husband, great kids, family who loves me.  But the stress of life, the rapid pace that the world forces us to live at, the stress of “more is better” is, as I am getting older, becoming so unappealing.  I want to play with my grandkids in the park and not be afraid of every stranger that passes by.  I want to be able to take a walk late in the evening and not fear when I hear footsteps behind me.  And I want to feel like I can take that time that I want…to sit, and relax, to write, to read, to just be me.

That’s my dream….my fantasy.  Maybe one day, when I am old and..well I am already gray so I guess just when I am old…er….I can make that dream a reality.  When I do…you can all come visit me.  And we can all relax, let the wind blow through the windows, go for long walks in the evening…and just be!

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