Lwayswright’s Weblog

It’s been a busy time.  I have been searching for my replacement at the company.  It is a difficult job, because, I fear, that no matter who I find, how qualified, how expertly skilled they may be, my dear husband will have a difficult time adjusting to my not being there on a daily basis, as his gal friday as it were.  I think we have found the perfect person, and while I still have a few more interviews to do, I truly believe she is the right one for the job.  I know he will adjust in time, and it will get easier for him as it goes. 

I think the hardest part for me is that I have a tendancy to feel enormous amounts of guilt, and then I think “am I being selfish?  Am I thinking only of myself and my own needs?”  And I need to get over that.  I have always been a stuffer of feelings and emotions and have often allowed people to walk all over me, push me around, take advantage of me, often to the detriment of my health and well being.  And I just can’t do that anymore.  And this is the first step in the right direction of stopping that  behavior. 

Today was a perfect example of that.  I was not going to the office today.  I was determined, since the kids have spring break this week, to take this day totally off, take my daughter to her ortho apt, make them help me clean the house and get some things done around here that have been let go for way too long.  And I had told my husband this plan several times over the last several days to keep him constantly reminded.  I had also tried to let him know that I had wanted to only be available at the shop half days this week during spring break so I could be with the kids…but that didn’t seem to ever be working out…I was always pulled in too many directions…and the guilt…oh the guilt!

So, last night or should I say this morning, my husband gets home from work around 4 AM…we obviously don’t have enough help around there, and not enough money to help ease the work load for him either, but he knew that today was the day that I had intended NOT to be near that work place.  But, he had conveniently forgotten about my daughter’s apt and brought home a job that needed to be delivered that he was “thinking that I could deliver for him early this morning”.  Needless to say, the guilt….I delivered it, just made it to the apt, and carried on with my day from there.  It doesn’t seem like that would be that big of a deal, but just that one added little stressor in my day can throw things off for me to the point that I am out of sorts for the rest of the day. 

I managed to get a lot of the house cleaned…not as much as I would have liked to but I did get some done.  I am in some pain from doing as much as I did but I have to cram so much into one day, which isn’t the right way for me to do it when I am the way I am.  But I have to fit it in when I can.  I just wish that my husband would notice that it is a bit cleaner when he gets home and that i didn’t take the day off and just “sit around doing nothing all day”.  I even managed to take dinner down to him and have dinner with him and the kids tonight! 

I just hope that once I find the replacement, and things start to even out our life gets more normal and we can find a rhythm..that we can find a peaceful way to live and enjoy our life a little more.  Because right now..this isn’t really living…this is merely existing.  This isn’t how it should be I don’t think!

I need to change the subject for a moment and wish my sincerest condolences to the family of Natasha Richardson.  She was one of my favorite actresses.  Her tragic death was a sad end to a beautiful life and wonderful career.  My prayers and thoughts go out to her husband and family!