November 18, 2009 at 4:32 pm (depression, family and life, life in our world of insanity, marriage)
Tags: dad, death, feelings, health, Life, Lupus, news, parents, thoughts
Processing life right now has become somewhat difficult. I’m not really sure how I am supposed to feel. It hasn’t truly hit me that dad is gone yet. I have purposely avoided going over to his house since the funeral week because I am afraid it will be too overwhelming for me. But, at the same time I need to go there to get some things out of there before the house is sold. I can feel my body reacting to my lack of reaction. I am sore and stiff and not feeling well. In fact this morning I woke up wondering if I am getting the flu…although I did have a flu shot! So, where do I go from here?
If i could just curl up and sleep for a few weeks I keep thinking that I will wake up and feel better. But, I’m sure that’s not true! I’m trying really hard to get into the christmas/thanksgiving spirit but that is coming hard to me as well. I can’t even believe that thanksgiving is next week already. I keep thinking I have at least a month to prepare for all of this.
Well, I guess I just keep putting one foot in front of the other…keep moving and forging ahead. As my grandpa used to say…”time marches on!”
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October 14, 2009 at 5:29 am (BLENDED FAMILY, depression, family and life, life in our world of insanity, marriage)
Tags: crime, drama, exes, Family, general, Life, Lupus, medical, news, relationships, struggles, thoughts, writing
This has been a hectic week. My dad landed in the hospital on saturday afternoon. Turns out he has a bowel obstruction, however they didn’t know exactly where or what it was. After a long three days today he had surgery to find the obstruction and remove it. The biggest glich in the whole thing was that his surgeon was a real ummm…not nice man. All the nurses told us how unpleasant he was, they wouldn’t even talk to him. They all said he was a great surgeon but not a “people” person. So, dad was taken in to the OR at 11:20 this morning. Then we were informed that we needed to pick a spokesperson for the family because the surgeon doesn’t come out to talk to the family, but he instead calls the desk and will take questions from one person. The nurse also told us that he didn’t “volunteer” info..if we didn’t ask he probably wouldn’t tell us. So, about 2 and a half hours later the Doctor calls the desk and my brother goes and asks our questions. He comes back to where we were all gathered and says “he was very pleasant, dad had an adhesion blockage from a previous hernia surgery. It went well. He will be in recovery for about an hour and then moved to a room on the surgical floor” So, we waited. About an hour and a half later the same nurse came out and said to us “your dad has just gone to recovery. Did the doctor call you?” “Yes” we said. “Good. Then he told you that your dad wasn’t breathing on his own and is on a ventilator, and will be moved to the ICU in about an hour.” “NO” we said. We hadn’t been told that at all. Pretty important peice of info for a doc to leave out don’t ya think??? Long story short, dad wasn’t moved to the ICU until about 4 and a half hours later. Once there his ICU nurse had to ask for all the information about dad and his surgery from my brother and I because the surgeon never came in and didn’t leave any notes at all. The poor nurse didn’t even know what my dad had surgery on! Welcome to modern medicine at it’s finest!!! But, hopefully they will remove the ventilator tomorrow and dad will be on his way to recovery!!!
Then tonight, I found out that someone has been reading my blog and reporting back to my husbands ex wife that I had been writing about my stepson and his trials and tribulations. Apparently that got my husbands ex quite upset. Now why, when we are having such difficulty in our family as it is, (if they actually read the blog they know all the ups and downs, and if they know me at all which they obviously do they know what life is like right now) why would they want to cause even deeper trouble in our relationship and home by involving his ex in what I write??? I never mention any names…I never even mention where he goes to school, where he lives, I’m not sure I even have mentioned his actual age. And, if they actually read ALL of my blog material they would also know that I have written very loving and great things about the same step son!!! And I have also written when I am frustrated with my own children, and my own life, siblings, father, whatever. All of these things in my life, these ups and downs, ins and outs, affect my health, affect lupus and autoimmune disease. That is what I write about! I also write about God’s grace and how He has been my strength in times when I didn’t think I could make it any longer. That’s why i write…what I write and who I write for!!! Life is difficult. It is messy. It is imperfect to say the least. I am a writer. And this is my canvas and where I paint my view of the world! It isn’t always pretty, but hopefully my life, and all the it encompasses is leading to a masterpeice!!!!
And that’s the truth!!!! Honeslty, I am not ashamed of anything I have written here! And, if the person who “read and tattled” is who I have a hunch it is….well, let’s just say…I really thought OUR relationship meant more then that!! Wrong again! I should also mention that my hubby does not read my blog…it’s just not something that he is in to. However, he has always known that I write here, that people read it and comment on what I write and that I read other people’s blogs as well. He also knows what I write about because I have never hidden that from him and he has access to the blog at anytime he wants to. I guess my thought is that if he is okay with me writing here, and writing what I write, and it isn’t hurting him or anyone else for that matter, then…that’s that!
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September 29, 2009 at 5:55 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: blogging, depression, Family, health, Life, Lupus, medical, news, thoughts, writing
It would seem that in the whole vast realm that is my blog (Ha ha) “lupus can be predictable” seems to be the most read post. I guess that’s a good thing because it means that more people are trying to get a handle on this whole lupus disease. It’s a little perplexing to me that more people don’t know about lupus and the affects that it has on a family, on a person, on life in general. Cancer is such a focus…and heart disease…high blood pressure… diabetes. But lupus?? Hmm…but the reality is that all those former mentioned illnesses are often associated with lupus. A lupus warrior ( I call them warriors because every day they go about their lives looking normal, acting normal, not letting on they are seriously hurting) can struggle everyday with cancer ( I have had squamous cell on my shoulder) heart disease, high blood pressure ( I am on three blood pressure meds and mine still averages 151/101) not to mention lung infections, arthritus, shingles, irritable bowel syndrome, blood clotting disorders, migraines, and a host of other ailments that just happen to accompany lupus.
A lupus warrior gets used to reading their own bodies to feel when a flare is coming on. Oftentimes we are very good at acting, we can pretend that everything is okay when it really isn’t. But we ourselves KNOW when something isn’t right. And, my family is getting pretty good at spotting when things are not quite right with me. But, even then I try my hardest to throw them off the scent and pretend like things are good.
For instance, I have been battling a migraine for about 2 days now. But I still ran my kids around from here to there, I am going to lunch with dad today, I am trying my hardest to clean this messy house of mine, and keep moving. Because in reality, there is only so long that someone can stay in bed, laying around, before they feel totally worthless and the depression that exists in the background of your mind everyday, moves to the forefront and destroys your day, week, month whatever. So, I plug on. But, tomorrow, when I have exhausted myself with trying to be a “good mom, good daughter, good wife” I will be in bed hardly able to move wishing I had taken better care of myself. Hence, the predictable part of lupus.
So, if you know someone with lupus or you yourself have it, know that you are not alone in your struggle, and fight. Know that there are many many of us out here who are dealing this on a daily basis yet feeling hopelessly alone. And don’t forget to at least some of the time take care of you!!!!!! And, keep fighting!
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September 22, 2009 at 3:43 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: divorce, drugs, Family, law, Life, love, Lupus, marriage, medical, news, stepkids, stepparents, thoughts
I love my husband. I do…I really do. But I have had enough of his teenage Juvenile delinquent son! My step son, as some of you know, was arrested this summer around the end of June. 5 felony counts which were dropped down to only the weapons charge (as if that isn’t bad enough) in a plea agreement. All he has to do is be drug tested now twice a week (that was only once but the parole officer upped that one), pay a 300 dollar fine, write a paper on peer pressure, do 24 hours of community service, go to school, stay away from his druggy friends, and get counseling. Well guess what…he can’t do any of it, except the drug tests which have come up, according to the parole officer, diluted hence (yes I said hence) the upping of the testing from once a week to twice.
He has been leaving the house without telling anyone, hanging out with his drug addict friends (who are all over 18 by the way) skipping school, punching holes in our walls,and being a general pain in the rear. My husband said this past weekend he had finally had enough and that he wasn’t allowed to come back to our house, in fact he was going to call the parole officer and tell her what was going on and probably he would end up in the detention center. GOOD! That is what he needs! But guess what…one call from his ex and it is back to the same old crap. And honestly I am so totally done with it. My kids have moved out, and in with their dad because my step son is so violent and they are afraid of him. My health is not great because of the stress. Frankly, I have been gracious, forgiving and patient…but how much is enough?
Maybe I’m not being a good christian because I have given up…or have I actually given up if in fact I want him to get help that we as parents cannot provide him? His mom and dad are not strong enough to deal with him. I am definitely not strong enough to deal with him.
so, today I told my husband that I cannot be here any more when his son is here. I’m not sure where I will go or what I will do, but I am tired of being put in last place, of our whole family being put in last place because of this boy who doesn’t give a darn about anyone but himself. I just don’t know at this point what else to do!
I believe I have had enough!
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