How do you deal when something that hurt you so badly just won’t go away? No matter how hard you try it lingers, just in the back of your mind so that when you think you’ve gotten beyond it, it pops back in, jerks at your heart and begins that terrible torture that makes you wonder why you can’t move on. And the more you think about it the worse it becomes. It’s like a big ole zit that you think “if I just pop it, get all that sick puss out, it will go away.” But somehow, overnight, that zit gets bigger, and redder and more tender to the touch. And worse then that, when you are a person like me, a faith person, a grace person, how do you deal with the unforgiveness of the person that hurt you? That black spot, that rips you apart, eats away like a cancer. Even when that person is thousands of miles away, not anywhere near your life anymore, but they seem as present as if they are sitting in the front room rubbing the pain in with sand paper. I have to keep the pain hidden though. I can’t let anyone know that it’s there. It’s my pain. Private and personal. Often times my husband doesn’t even know how much it hurts. All of it hurts. Just the day to day hurts.
And it’s almost christmas time. It’s a time of grace and hope. A time to move on. A time for peace on earth and good will. But there are days the hurt is so deep like a dagger. And I know it isn’t good for my health. It adds to the pressure of my fight against the lupus that threatens to overtake me. When I dream I see my immune system fighting against the giant germs and infection. I picture a war. For some odd reason the war is set in ancient british and roman times with knights and princes and kings and princes all fighting for the salvation of the fortress that is my body. And quite often that person is there waving the sword of destruction over her head like a golden trophy, running at me ready to remove my head and all hope of victory. There have been nights during those dreams when my mom has appeared (she died Feb 18, 2007) and gently places her hand on my shoulder and tells me to be calm. It totally freaks me out I must say. I’ve never been one to believe in “spirits” coming back to talk to people but since mom died I’m not so sure anymore. It’s like she tries to remind me that I am still here. That the fight isn’t over. That the enemy, the evil one with the golden sword hasn’t won and neither has the Lupus. She reminds me that I need to keep fighting. But more importantly she reminds me that I need to rely on God’s grace not my own power to try to move on and keep fighting. Each day, each minute I can go on without thinking about the hurt, each morning that I can get out of bed feeling a little less pain is a victory for me.
But, there are days when I just don’t know how to deal. There are days when I want revenge against disease. I want people who hurt other people and find pleasure in it to feel that same kind of emotion. And today….well today was one of those days. So tell me…..how do you deal?