It’s been a year…

She left a year ago today.  It’s amazing how fast the time went.  I never dreamt it could go this quickly.  I admit that there have been days that I have wanted to scream at her for leaving.  She created quite a mess when she went.  It was unexpected and I certainly didn’t have time to prepare.  And now, here I am, stuck holding the bag.  It’s been hard with dad.  He is so angry.  And, she was his filter.  That’s gone…completely gone.  He doesn’t care what he says, who he says it to or how it hurts.  She left me with that.  There are days when I want to run away from all of it.  I don’t have anyone to ask advice of anymore.  How does she expect me to go on as a mom without her here to help me?  And being a wife?  Geez…she did it for over 50 years.  I’m on my second marriage and she left me here to fend for myself.  I’m sick and I have no one to vent to like I could vent to her.  Lupus Sucks! No one makes you feel better when you’re sick like mom.

Then last night I realized I have actually made it a year.  A whole year without her here.  And, I am still relatively okay.  I haven’t been mortally wounded.  My house is still standing.  My fight against the disease goes on.  My kids are still alive and love me as far as I can tell.  My dad..well he is still angry but that is to be expected I guess.  I just need to learn how to not be so willing to take all he dishes out.  And my marriage is still strong and happy.  I miss her everyday.  But I feel her here everyday too.  She’s in my heart.  So, here’s to getting through the first year and moving on to the next.  I love you mom!~

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