Momma guilt

I’m not gonna lie.  I tend to have a propensity toward momma guilt.  Come on mom’s you know what I’m talking about.  The moment you start enjoying something new and inspiring in your life, and you feel like you may be “neglecting” those little offspring you start to feel the nagging little feeling in your heart, that pang that mom’s feel….momma guilt.  Since we started this new adventure I have been wrestling with many different emotions.  A lot of them have been positive and life enhancing for me.  This has been a time of growth.  But, I have had to face that point where I say to my children “you are now all over the age of 13 and can take care of yourselves for at least 1-2 hours after school without me here to babysit your every move”.  Well, they don’t necessarily like that so much.  It really hasn’t really totally hit me until this week.  Two major events took place this week that I have had to “fanagle” my schedule around in order to fit “mothering” into the mix of “new adventuring business building woman”.  First, my 14 year old asthmatic son came down with walking pneumonia.  Now really this  isn’t a new thing for us.  We have been dealing with asthma since he was 6 weeks old.  What was hard for me was that I had to walk in on him gasping for air, hanging over the sink, vomiting mucus, realizing that I may have waited too long to take him to the doctor this time.   Luckily for me I have a wonderful, nurturing pediatrician who helps to aleve some of that feeling of insecurity about my mothering skills.  So, I hugged my son, gave him breathing treatments through the night and then this morning it was off to work again.  Then….episode two happened.  My kids grandpa, their dad’s dad, died this afternoon, and where was I???? I was not with them.   This was their second grandparent loss in a year…and I wasn’t there!

He has been in the hospital ill for a couple of weeks.  The kids have had a chance to visit with him, in fact, I have had a chance to visit with him.  I have always loved him.  Even after their dad and I divorced I remained very fond of his dad and his family.  I  have great memories of his dad.  In fact, I guess the big story was how I had recently visited Bob and given him a kiss….he told everyone that after all these years I must have a thing for him…he was only 72 or so…LOL.  I will miss him.  But, my kids were not with me when they found out about grandpa.  I wasn’t there to hug them, and wipe their tears away.  I heard them cry over the phone.  Momma guilt!  So, where do I end and mom begin or are we one in the same?  And where do I fit Lupus into all of it?  And where do I fit being a wife into the mix?  Hmm….momma guilt….maybe it is just something we learn to live with until we are grandma’s and then we just enjoy!

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