Trust. It’s always been a difficult concept for me. From the time I was a young girl I found it hard to trust childhood friends, all the way through highschool and college, to marriage. I’m not sure where it all began. I do remember one slumber party when I was about 13. It is so vivid in my memory still to this day that it brings tears to my eyes to think about it. I was invited to a slumber party of one of the popular girls at the school. I attended a private highschool in MN. It was an upper class school with a lot of rich kids, who had a lot of money to play with, and wore all the brand name clothes, had all the cool hair styles. I was just a girl from a middle class family. My parents worked their tails off to make enough to send all five of us kids to this school to get the best education possible. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the school I went to. I wouldn’t trade that experience or that time in my life. But this one event did prove to shape a part of me that would linger for years to come.
Anyway, I was invited to the party. I was so excited. I couldn’t contain myself. I wasn’t necessarily popular, and I wasn’t a nerd. I was kind of in between groups. I was a friend to everyone. But to be invited to this party was so amazing to me. The day of the party arrived. I got there and everything was great. We all had so much fun and I felt like the other girls and I really bonded and new friendships were formed and old friendships had been strengthened. That is until about midnight. That’s when all the girls got in a circle around me and decided to tell me all the things that they didn’t like about me, about my brothers (who were older, and student body presidents and very popular) and my religious beliefs. As a side note, this private school was a Christian school, so being attacked for my christian views was a bit confusing for me.
What those girls found so offensive was that I, through my brothers, had access to older boys, got to hang out with older boys, (sophomores, junior and senior boys) the boys knew me, talked to me in the halls of the school, and, my brother was student body president which made me popular with the upperclassmen by ossmosis i guess. The other thing that was a huge problem for all of them is that I was way too nice to everyone. I was friends with everyone who wanted to be friends with me. I didn’t differentiate between nerds and popular cheerleader types….hec i thought I was a nerd!
Finally, when I had sat there and taken at least two hours worth of criticism everyone decided to go to sleep. Or at least I thought they had. As one final blow to me, while I was sleeping, the girls took my bra, got it wet and put it in the freezer. So, the next morning when I was looking for my stuff to get dressed, they presented it to me like a gift, and laughed at me…they LAUGHED! But, I sat and took it. I didn’t cry, I didn’t show emotion, I just accepted what they said, i believe i even thanked them for their honesty.
I remember my parents picking me up that day and getting into the car and completely falling apart in the car. I remember that day as if it was yesterday! it still hurts!
So back to that word, trust. I am battling with that word these days. On a very personal, deep level. I am doubting myself and others around me. I am wondering who I can trust. Can I trust myself to know who I can trust? And I feel myself pulling away from people again….not just friendships, but people close to me. There has been no major catalyst to set me off. No smoking gun of any kind. Just a weariness of putting myself out there and being hurt. Fear of being hurt again. I don’t want to screw things up with the people I love and have finally learned to trust and put my faith in.
This is one of those Lupus things. One of those confusing life things. I’m in a flare so my body is in a flux of illness. That affects all parts of me. Body, mind, spirit. But should’nt trust be easier? Shouldn’t it be a natural process of life? Shouldn’t faith and trust go hand in hand? Like forgiveness and grace?
Trust…so complex for such a small word.