Guilt and associated problems


My dad is having an angiogram tomorrow morning.  To some that isn’t a huge deal.  In this day and age of science and medical marvels, angiograms are fairly common place and done all the time.  But, in my dad’s case…it’s a pretty risky thing.  See, my dad has had 18 heart attacks..the first when he was a young 39 years old.  He has had bi pass twice, he is on his fourth defibrilator/pacemaker combo pack in his chest and he was told he had about 3 months to live approximately 12 years ago or so.  He’s still here.  Seriously, a man can only beat the odds for so long.  He has been having chest pains, unbeknownst to me, for a few weeks now, and should have probably gone to the hospital, but, he has a tendancy to wait until the paramedics, the paddles, and the angels of heaven are needed to breathe life back into him before he will go.  So, he waits…and waits…and now, the angiogram tomorrow morning. 

Here comes the guilt part.  If you are a reader of my blog you know that things have been a little tense between dad and I over my husband and my new business adventure, and so, I haven’t really been in as close of contact with dad as I normally would be.  My family is really normally pretty close.  Well, we “seem” as if we are close.  I’m not sure how you would actually, in real life catagorize a family like ours.  A cross between the osmonds meets the osbornes, meets the von trapp family or something like that.  We have our disfunction but we love each other.  Anyway, so I find out about dad, two weeks after  he has been having problems, and the guilt sets in.  I haven’t been here for him.  I haven’t been around.  What if something had happened and I hadn’t said what I needed to say to him??  What if …What if…what if…?????   So, now tomorrow…what if???  And the underlying guilt that I feel, or that I feel is placed on me, cuz I am not around, cuz I am taking time for myself, time for my family, our business, time to regroup and figure out where i belong and what my life is about.  Am I being selfish?  I don’t think I am.  All my life I have put other people first.  Everyone.  I still do that.  All the time.  And most of the time I end up getting kicked in the teeth when I ask for a favor later on down the line. But I turn around and keep doin it over and over.  So, now is my time.  So, I’m taking these moments, these precious few moments to be, just be, in this life that we have chosen, and to learn what it means and what it is for us, our family, our marriage and our life.  But now I am questioning all of it.  Am I selfish?  Should I feel guilty for not being there more for dad?  I have spoken to him.  I have checked in.  But no one has told me about his situation, no one felt the need to keep me in the loop…is that my fault?  Is that about me or them? 

I guess tomorrow all i can do is tell him I love him, hug him, kiss him and let what ever the out come is happen.  No one can beat the odds for ever.  Not even my dad.  Or can he?

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