I have long been a stuffer of feelings. I have a tendancy to push them in, hold on to them, and not let anyone know if I have been hurt until the wound is so great or bleeding so badly that it is very difficult to sew back up. I guess that goes hand in hand with low self esteem. I try to tell myself that I am a good communicator, someone who can let my feelings be known on a very personal and deep level. And I believe I am. The problem is that I can do it…through writing. There are many people, men in particular, who don’t appreciate the written word that much. I cannot understand it, I think it is a wonderful form of letting someone know how you feel, but apparently….well….I guess I’m wrong.
Over the years of my marriage I have gotten very good at the art of email. Instead of letting my dear husband know when things are bothering me, when I have an issue, or a bone to pick verbally, I send him an email…he hates it! He doesn’t just hate it, he detests it! The first few years of our marriage this was a really sore issue with us. I wasn’t a teller, he wasn’t a reader, and we weren’t communicating. So, I was feeling hurt and he was feeling well I don’t know what he was feeling cuz he’s a man and men never speak about what they are feeling. I tried to get better. I tried everything in my power to talk to him when things came up that bothered me, but there never seemed a good time to talk out things. We had five kids in the house, work, things to do, and no time to get it done. The last thing he needed was an emotional wife trying to share her innermost feelings with him. So, I stuffed.
Then one day I decided to turn over a new leaf. We had had a big event in our marriage, and we needed to pull together if we were going to get through it. I knew I had to make a change in my skills at speaking and sharing with my husband. So, I started telling him when I was bothered, concerned, hurt, or worried. I also told him when I was proud of him, happy, glad, amused or just content to be. We actually started communicating on a very deep level and it was great! It was really great! Then we bought a business together. Which has been an adventure in itself. It has been a lot of work and he has shouldered more then his fair share. I feel guilty a lot cuz I don’t have the stamina to put in the hours he does…and I hate using lupus as a crutch or excuse but it is what it is. I’m so proud of all he had done and the business is growing and blossoming like we hoped it would.
But, I am beginning the stuffing process all over again. Why?? Because I don’t want to burden him with my stuff. Yep, it is stuff that is his stuff too but, I feel like I shouldn’t make him have to deal with it cuz he has enough and maybe there will be a better time, a less hectic time, a quieter time when I can discuss with him, share with him and talk with him about how I am feeling. No, there have been no emails like before. I have stayed away from that form of communication. But, there has been a little post it note here or there. Maybe that isn’t any better. So, what is a wife to do? A wife with questions and concerns and issues? A wife with low self esteem who doesn’t feel worthy of the man she is married to? Man, I was doing so well…
I guess it’s like they say. One step forward….two steps back…or in my case…a post it!