I am….


I am a woman.  I am a mom, and a wife.  I am a divorcee.. have I written that before?  I’m sure I have.  But let me tell you about “it”..the “it” that changed my life.  I got married really young.  I didn’t think I was young.  But looking back, and looking at my daughter who is quickly approaching the age I was when I got married, I was young.  I met a guy, from another state, had a long distance relationship….lots of letters, phone calls, and then we got married.  We really didn’t even know each other to be honest.  It was hard.  Hard on both of us I think.  We had three amazing kids but one not so great marriage.  I’m not going to trash him, or our life, because that would be insulting to both of us.  But things happen.  Things change and people grow away from each other.  And people hurt each other…deeply and irreversably.  That’s what happened.   We didn’t have a messy divorce but we didn’t have a pleasant one either.

Then 2 years or so later I met my husband.  We dated, fell in love and got married.  He has six kids.  you heard me correctly 6.  Apparently he just didn’t know when to say NO.  LOL.  So, the two of us blended our motley crew into this one amazingly crazy, wild and busy family.  At home with us we have three boys and one girl.  My oldest daughter is a junior at ASU and I am so proud of her.  My husband has 4 kids who are grown, married and have given us three incredible grandkids that I am proud of and love dearly. 

During all this newness of family and marriage I was diagnosed with Lupus.  What a blow.  It was at that time that I found out I had also passed along the blood clotting disorders that go along with my lupus to two of my kids.  For my son it isn’t so bad, but for my daughter it will affect her having babies and things that she does in that way for her life.  I do feel some guilt for that, but she will, as I did, get through it.  She is strong and amazing.  And I am proud of her. 

The reason I writing about all of this is because I wanted to share the strangeness of life.  My ex and I are all the sudden, inexplicably on our way to becoming friends.  Now to some people of divorce this may not seem strange.  But in our case, with all the past between us, it is something I never expected.  I never thought there would come a point where we could actually talk about our marriage, divorce, and life after, in an honest and open way, and both of us apologize for stupid things we did.  We have found ourselves laughing together on occassion over memories from the 13+ years we were together. 

What brought that about you may ask?  Oddly enough it was the death of the two most important people in our lives, my mom and his dad.  when mom died I realized that the one thing she never wanted was for me to go about my life bitter about the past, angry about past hurts that were of no consequence anymore.  I am happy in my life now.  I have a husband who loves me, kids who, although trying at times, I love with more love then I thought possible, and i mean all these kids…blended together in this tidy large family we have.  And my ex’s dad was the same way.

I went to see my ex father in law shortly before he died.  It was a moving time for me.  I loved him, truly loved him.  He never turned his back on me after our divorce.  He never treated me as anything other then his daughter in law.  I loved him for that.  And he was an incredible granddad to my children.  He even cared about my step kids, how rare is that?  After our hour or so talk in his hospital room I was going to leave and I felt like it might be the last time I got to touch him, to actually let him know that his presence in my life meant something.  So, I told him I love him and then I kissed him on the cheek.  I saw a tear fall down his face…and we said goodbye for the last time.

i came to find out that the kiss I gave him was the topic of conversation for the week or so before he died.  He joked with his kids about how after all these years I still had a secret crush on him.  He still had that amazing wit and charm that he always had up until he died.  At his funeral my ex and I shared our first hug in over 10 years.  It wasnt a hug of romance or of a rekindled relationship.  it was a hug of “we lost someone we both loved, I am here for you and you are here for me.”  It was a turning point in our relationship. 

I’m not going to lie and tell you that things will always remain peachy keen between he and I.  I’m sure, becuase we still have kids in common that are underage there will be squabbles now and again, but I do believe we have reached a new kind of understanding.  And, what’s even odder….my husband feels the same way too!  It is so amazing what God, Grace, Love, Forgiveness and an open heart can do. 

So, I’m a divorcee, a mom, a friend, a lover, a wife, a daughter, and now I am also a changed woman. Because of the influence of my ex father in law and the support and example of my mom.  wonders never cease!

5 thoughts on “I am….

  1. Ashli says:

    That is beautiful mom. Even though the past two years have been so hard on all of us losing two amazing grandparents, I am greatful everyday for what wonderful people they were and the good things that are still happening because of them.

  2. Chris says:

    Never underestimate the power of change. I thank God daily for that ability and that we can grow. I’m still a work in progress but I love the person I am today so much more than the person I was 10years ago.

    Beautiful story. And I’m so happy for you that the anger and bitterness has left your heart. I’ve seen too many wonderful people letting someone that hurt them badly before keep them in that same bad place. Forgiveness (not forgetness) is the beginning of that journey. I’m so glad you are finding it. It’s so liberating.

  3. kweenmama says:

    Wonderful post! It speaks volumes to any, myself included, who have experienced the pain of divorce. My ex and I are slowly learning how to become friends again as well. It took him having to experience some horrible consequences for some of his actions before he started to make positive changes towards me. I then had a choice–to hold a grudge and keep bitterness in my heart, or to forgive and move forward–I chose the latter. Thank you for this post.

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