Another day, another Lupus journal entry. I gotta say that i am getting tiredof filling up this box with the depressing realities of this thing called Lupus. But, it is what it is I guess. My last couple of days have been doozies for me. I’ve been physically beat down, and mentally and emotionally I’m not in the right place. Some of that could be because I am dwelling more on my day to day struggle. Some could be because summer has hit full tilt here in Phoenix. The sun is my enemy. Heat is my “joker” to the strong batwoman persona that I try to put out there. It literally laughs at me each and every time i walk out the door. I can feel the sun looking at me, and I can hear it’s thoughts…”I’m going to knock you out for the day. I’m gonna cause you such pain you will want to hide in your room, in the dark and not want to ever come out until fall”.
Today that’s how I feel. I have recieved my first migraine of the summer season. I get migraines often even when it isn’t summer. But the summer migraine is a different animal entirely. The intense throbbing above my eye, the rapid succession of twitches that my upper lid goes through, and the nausea is unlike anything I’ve ever been through. If i could give a comparison I would have to say that it is similar to labor, only it is happening in my head not my uterus.
I can literally feel a pulse in my eye. My vision blurrs, my stomache becomes upset. And all I really want on these days is to lay, with my body pillow, in a darkened room, and try to sleep. My husband is really great about these things. He knows for me to have his arms around me during these moments of unbearable pain, is such a comfort. I can feel his warm breath on my neck, and his lips lightly kissing me, and it calms me. I let go in his arms. And soon the relaxing begins. today has been that day, that awful, no end to the pain day.
My kids have been great too. They made their own dinner, and they continuously check on me to make sure that I am still doing well. Then, they leave me a lone because they know that rest is the one thing that will get me through it. My kids are amazing that way.
This day, this one painful day will give way to a new tomorrow. And when tomorrow comes it will feel like a fresh beginning. I know i will be fatigued because of the day I have had today. But, I will go on, positively knowing that I fought this fight, and that I didn’t let this disease win. I could become overly depressed, wracked with anger and my lot in life. I could scream at the bottles of medications that line my bathroom counter. But, the strange reality is that those bottles, those multi colored pills that line my counter and are such an integral part of my life, are actually saving my life…for one more day.
So, today, it’s excedrine headache #44. Tomorrow will be a sunny day, and with any luck, a new beginning to the week!