It could be worse.
Yesterday was a long long day. We have so much going on at the business these days….seems like when it rains it poUrs. I’m sure many of you know what I’m talking about. So, yesterday I rode into work with my hubby, which I normally don’t do…but I knew it was going to be a bugger. We got the new bender…TAADAAAA….and we are so thrilled. Training begins next week. It is such an amazing new developement in our business and so exciting. It was a needed open door for us! We didn’t leave last night until after 8 pm. We got there before 7am. It was a long day for most working people. For me…it was a day that seemed like an eternity.
Flourescent lights are my enemy. Next to the sun….worst thing to ever be invented when you have Lupus…or at least in my case. I need to stress at this point, again, that each person with Lupus is so different. And the way we each fight and battle our disease is different. But, I was in flourescents all day. In my office I have a great lamp, regular light bulbs that I can turn on one or two or three. But I had to be in the shop working yesterday. There was no way around it. The lights kill me.
Let me explain. There are many “unpleasant results” to me spending too much time with flourescent lights. Migraines is one. The other is that my body, especially my back, my chest, my ribs, seem to cease to exist with any type of muscle or strength after I have spent time in the sun or under flourescent lights. (congress’s push to ban regular lightbulbs is of great concern to me…but that’s another post).
Last night by the time we got home I was exhausted. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. Because once again I realized how weak I really am and how much I want to be strong. I want to be healthy. I want to be super woman…wonder woman. I want to be able to do it all. Last night was a reminder to me that Ican’t. Then this morning, the reminder got worse. When i woke up I noticed that my chest hurt when I breathe in and out.
I tried to go with the flow and keep moving. usually standing still, not moving, being motionless makes things worse. So, I got up and got going. Then, while putting a very light bag into the car something went snap in my upper back. I heard it, I felt it, and I thought I would fall over. It was painful. But, I had one of my step sons with me, didn’t want to cause concern so, I accepted the feeling of a knife sticking in my back, got in the car, breathed deeply all the way to the shop and tried to go on with my day.
Guess what. It didn’t work. I’m not as good as I think I am. I couldn’t hide it, I couldn’t ignore it….it got gradually worse and worse. By 2 PM I was feeling like death warmed over. I just wanted home. I never leave that early. I’m a trooper, I am strong. I am super mom, super wife. Super everything….NOT TODAY. And i am now depressed, disappointed in myself and ready to kick this whole lupus thing in the tail.
My sweet hubby even constructed me this pathetic hat that looked like something the flying nun wore…to block the flourescent lights.
I guess today I have to admit it. Today I am weak. Today I don’t have much fight. Today I am a warrior who needs to slow down and regroup.
But today could have been sooo much worse. I’m still home, I’m not in the hospital, I’m not on IV’s, I’m not “dying” today. I’m alive. I’m loved. Today gave me a great opportunity to talk about some important stuff with my youngest step son. it was a chance to heal some wounds, to be open and honest. It was a time where he felt safe to share with me what’s in his heart. Today could have been much worse. And I love the knowledge that all of that is absolutely true.
so, through it all….there are still glimmers of grace in my life!