Here it is another sunday morning. Kids are all gone…except my oldest who is asleep. Hubby went to fry’s electronics…his favorite place in the world next to home depot…oh and smelling books at Barne’s and Noble…but I digress. So, I am all alone. The house is quiet and peaceful. I should be cleaning i guess, but I have the washing machine going, I did sweep the wood in the family room, and I made my bed like a good girl should. But other then that I really feel like relaxing today.
We spent a lot of yesterday with the grandkids. It was fun to be with them, it’s been a while. We went swimming and watched a movie. It was nice. I just really wish it would storm here. We have been a while without a monsoon. That’s the best part of summer here….monsoon season. The thunder and rain…it’s great weather to just hang out, sit on the patio and watch the storm fly by. But, so far this weekend nothin.
I’ve been working on the Lupus journal for an ad campaign and when I started it i thought i knew myself pretty well. I have learned how to listen to my body and when to do things to make me feel better or help me not get sick. And I thought that my emotional side of the disease was pretty much in check as well. Guess what??? I was wrong.
I have had to get very honest about this thing called Lupus and really delve into how it affects me on a day to day basis. There are so many more things that go on in my head and with my body when I seriously take the time to sit down and think about it all. There is a lot of guilt, cuz I can’t always do for people what they want or need me to do. There is a lot of conflict in my brain…”do I tell them I’m sick or do i hide it and play it out on my own?” And there are days when, at work with my husband, my mind gets really fuzzy….Lupus fog it’s called…and I don’t want him to know. But I can’t keep a handle on what I am supposed to be doing. So, the actress in my comes out and I try to do an oscar worthy performance.
Then the weekends come. And I feel lilke I should use that time to recoup, regenerate for the week coming, but there is so much to do around the house that just won’t get done if I don’t do it. My hubby works hard…sometimes too hard. He has this work ethic that says keep on task until you complete it or figure out a way to make it work. I am proud of him for that. That’s one of the things I fell in love with when i met him. He tries to pretend that he doesn’t have a big heart….but he does. Things affect him more then he lets on. I don’t want to add to his stress by complaining about my “ailments” all the time.
This weekend has, however, given hubby and I a chance to reconnect romantically. Not that we don’t do that a lot….just sometimes being alone together, talking quietly, sharing those special moments that are uninterrupted are hard to come by. I love him. He has been my rock….I just always wonder am I enough of a confidante, or support for him? Does my illness keep him from totally opening up and letting go of everything?
These are things that doing this journal has gotten me to think about.
But on a brighter note…my sis and I are planning a trip to Vegas to see Donny and Marie. I mean, come on who is NOT a donny and marie fan? They are amazing. They stand, in alot of ways, for the great parts of my childhood…..it would be nice to get away even for just a couple of days.
So, there;s my weekend. I am fighting Lupus this weekend….haven’t given up yet.