Man do I miss you right now. I have had so many times over the last few weeks especially when i could have used your advice, your listening ear and your shoulder. You were always my strength…even when you didn’t know it. I always knew you were there for me if I needed you and that was such a comfort to me. Now, with you gone, I feel a little lost and out of my element so much of the time. Things get so messed up and I don’t know how to fix them and I don’t really know who to go to anymore for advice. You were my “go to’ person mom. You were my bouncer of ideas, my life line a lot of the time. And sometimes you were my sharp kick in the pants when i needed one. You were dad’s filter…now he has none. He is lost and bewildered and none of us kids really know how to help him. And he is lonely. He misses you terribly I know that. He and I haven’t had the same relationship since you left either. I’m not sure why. Maybe when he looks at me he sees you and it’s too hard for him. Maybe I couldn’t fix his heart and he’s bitter about that…you know, people take their anger and depression out on the ones they love…or so i’ve heard.
Tonight I went to a meeting for Jake’s marching band. He’s a freshman in highschool this year mom. It’s a whole new deal for him. You would be so amazed at his musical talent. But, of all my kids, I worry about him the most. I’m not sure why. He’s my baby for one thing. But he has had many obstacles to over come in his life, as have all my kids, but he has always seemed more fragile to me. He’s not though. He’s a strong kid. He’s very sure of himself and he is daily trying to test those independant wings. I just pray that he always stays on the right path and doesn’t stray from that. I know you would love seeing him, playing his trombone, shining like a bright star. I know he is nervous. And I don’t have the words to help him. I wish you were here…you would know just what to say. And I know it would mean the world to him to hear you tell him how proud you and dad are of him. You’re watching, from heaven, I know you are, you can see. Tell God that Jake needs an extra ounce of strength to get through this new stuff.
And Ash is so beautiful and grown up. She is in love…really for the first time…with a really great guy. But I worry about her heart…and being hurt…like every mom does…like you did about me. It’s so new for me to have a daughter in a “serious” relationship. How did you deal with the worry? I have been praying for the right guy for her my entire life…just like you did for me. I remember you telling me how you and dad would pray at night that Jesus would send the perfect guy to me. And, well, even though my first marriage didn’t work out…there was disappointment there for you and dad I know, I still ended up with the most amazing kids. And I learned a lot about myself through all of it. I just wish I had been more open with you about all that went on during those years. There were times I really felt a lone…but I didn’t want to disappoint you. But even then I knew that you were on my side, that you were quietly praying for me, for my life and my kids. I knew always, always that I was in your heart.
And now, I need you here to tell things to. I need to talk marriage, middleaged marriage. I need to figure out how to understand my husband and what he needs from me. I feel lost. And sometimes I feel so so lonely. Mom when you were here, even when you were far away, I never felt alone cuz I knew you were a phone call away. Why did you have to go? did you want to go? Were you in so much pain that you prayed that God would take you home?
Mom I miss you. Everyday I miss you. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of you. Sometimes I will get flashes of memories. Moments will happen and I will think “I should call mom and tell her.” Then I realize you aren’t there.
I went to see Mama Mia with kassi…who is a beauty by the way. The older she gets the prettier she gets inside and out. I sat there watching that fun upbeat movie and the whole time I thought “Man mom would have loved this movie!” You would have. And i would have loved to share that with you. And now alycia’s wedding is this weekend and I knwo you will be looking down from heaven celebrating with her. I will look up mom, during the wedding, and I know you will know, that I am thinking of you and how I miss you.
Theres so much hard stuff in life right now. How were you so strong while you were sick? I’m not that strong mom. I want to be. But I’m not. And I get angry at God, at myself, and life. And the tough stuff with kids, going down paths they shouldn’t be, how would you have handled it? Am I doin the right thing? Are we doing the right thing? Are we gonna lose him? Cuz he is so lost right now. And I know my hubby is hurting because of it. What would you say to him mom? What would you have done? isn’t there some sort of sign????
I miss you mom. You were my center…my true north. You pointed to all that was good in life. Thanks for being my mom. I wish you were here!