We all have our days when we feel good. And we all have days that aren’t do good. Lately, I’ve been trying to determine what it is that seperates my good days from the bad. Am I doing things differently on one day versus another? Did I wake up different? Eat different? Dress different? What?
Or is it just that my body goes through these unpredictable phases, that, like life itself, can’t be figured out ahead of time. Afterall, Lupus is an unpredictable illness. IT is different for every person who has it, and different from one day to the next. Even doctors don’t treat it the same way. Their ideas vary from practice to practice, specialty to specialty. Which is often confusing and sometimes overwhelming.
Yesterday I felt pretty good. My head didn’t feel fuzzy. I wasn’t hazy with what I was doing. I wasn’t overly fatigued. But today….today I am tired. My head is in a fog. I’m having a difficult time focusing on what I need to do next. And it’s hard. Days like this I feel like I am letting my husband down in our business. I feel like there is such a burden on him all the time to make this work and I come here and well…I’m sort of useless. I mean..I did do office work that I normally do. But going above and beyond today? I don’t think that will happen. He goes above and beyond every single day whether he wants to or not. Man the guilt in that!
And, tonight my kids will want attention. To be honest…I just want to sleep. Emotionally I Feel like I am in a boat with waves hurling up to try to overtake me. And I am squeezing the oars so tight that my fingers are becoming numb.
So, what was different about today versus yesterday? That is one of those never ending questions that I will probably never know the answer to.
Still in all I have to say, I am very lucky. I’m not in the hospital. I’m still whole and in one peice. I have a husband who loves me, kids who love me, and a really cute puppy! And because of the Grace of God, my fingers still work to type, my brain in strong enough to put sentences together. So, my passion..writing…is still untouched. So, in that way..today is still a good day!