I hated that song. When was it? Back in the 80’s that that song came out? It was such a redundant and boring song. I remember turning the channel on the radio every time it came on. I also remember the Gong Show…is that what it was called??? They always did a spoof on that song having different characters come out and sing it until they were gonged. It was pretty funny…really one of the best shows ever on TV.
Anyway, today I have been pondering feelings…to be more specific, my feelings. Feelings on life, on work, on marriage, family, kids…just stuff. I don’t really like feelings much cuz usually the ones that I tend to focus on and have to work through most are the not so pleasant feelings. And, with an illness like Lupus emotions tend, at least in my case, to become more easily raw and open, and hurt. And, being the kind of person I am, I tend to stuff those feelings, until I end up sick or something unpleasant like that.
Lately I have to say I have been a bit depressed. It’s not even depression so much as simple sadness. It seems that there have been a lot of losses in my life the last year or two and maybe, just maybe I haven’t dealt with all of them in the best way possible. I lost my mom a year and a half ago. That is still an aching pain. I am getting better, and there are days that it doesn’t hurt as much. It isn’t as constant as it was. But things come up, and bring her to my mind and well I just get sad. The main thing this week was a version of how great thou art I downloaded from iTunes by Carrie underwood. It was one of my mom’s favorite hymns. My daughter told me to download it, I did, and man did i get sad. I missed my mom like crazy in that moment. But, I think that kind of sad is healthy. It’s okay to miss a loved one that you lose like that.
Then there was an incident that happened, well I don’t want to go into it, but it had to do with my aunts visit from Washington. It was an unnecessary situation, that caused me hurt. And, I want to tell myself it wasn’t “on purpose” but I know better. It was deliberate, and just causes more rifts in relationships that i really wish could be healed, but unfortunately, they will never be the same again. My mom’s death caused people to change…maybe it caused the real them to come out. Whatever the reason, people have changed and my relationship with them has changed. That’s another loss.
I had the opportunity this week to hear my son really express his feelings about his step brother not living with us anymore. I didnt’ realize how confused and conflicted he is about it. They were brothers, they had great times together. He misses him. That was both hard and good for me to hear. Again, another loss.
Anyway, I have had one of those weeks where….well…ya know when someone says something to you and it’s really not that big a deal but it makes you want to just break down all over the place? Well, that has been my week. I have had a lot of days of driving home from work crying, all alone so no one sees or knows how ridiculous I am.
It’s silly really…the way we as humans allow feelings to drive us. Seriously, feelings can take a perfectly great day and turn it, and me into a jumble of mush. You would think that since we have brains we could talk ourselves through those emotions in reason with ourselves on how to just move past it…move on…get over it. But instead we let emotions guide a lot of what we do. I mean, the world would be pretty boring if no one felt, or expressed how they felt, but sometimes what I feel, I just wish it was more positive.
So, here’s today’s question…when you are feeling overly emotional how do you deal with that? How do you talk yourself back to the lighter side of life? i guess that is really two questions…