here’s the thing….

I’m tired.  Painfully, excruciatingly tired.  Business has been really busy.  That’s a good thing.  Nay, that’s a great thing. (Do you like my use of the word nay?)  Anyhow, work is busy. In this economy, we are all thankful for great business.  We thank God daily for good business.  We shouldn’t complain when we have good business.  In fact, I begin to feel guilty when I start to complain, and then I wonder if God will then take away some of our good business because I am ungrateful and a spoiled brat.  And that just wouldn’t be good at all.  But I digress.  So, business is really good.  There are only three of us at work.  Three measley little worker bees slugging it out on a daily basis trying to make all of our customers happy.  One of us just got diagnosed with Lymes disease….which, by the way…I was the one to diagnose before the doctors even did.  I tell ya I am in the wrong profession!  Anyway, and then there is me with lupus.  So, we are working our little tushes off trying to get all this stuff done as quickly as we  can with all the quality and precision in tact that we are known for.  that is critical.  My  husband works very long hours.  I am very proud of him and all the hard work he puts in trying to make this place a success.  He is a conscientious man.  He is smart and innovative.  Sometimes, however, he doesn’t know when to stop and end the day and come home.  That is one fatal flaw.  My dad had it…my husband has it…maybe all men have it!

I am tired.  I am on my feet 8 hours a day.  Running from my office to the shop, making dies, rubbering dies, sanding dies, hammering dies, whatever I need to do to help out.  And I hurt. I hurt all over, inside and outside.  My organs hurt. 

Now for those of you without lupus let me tell you how it goes, at least for me.  When I begin to spiral downward this is what happens.  I start to get tired.  I want to sleep all the time.  I get a little depressed because I just can’t keep up but I know I have to.  I have kids at home, I have a business, I have a husband, just stuff.  My joints begin to ache.  Often I get a bladder infection or an ear infection or the flu.  This time I am just in immense pain.  I haven’t had this happen before with this much just constant  unrelenting pain before.  Lower back pain.  I have, like I said, pain inside that feels like my organs hurt.  It’s like I have been excersizing for hours and hours without stopping.  I just ache.  My skin hurts.  My finger tips hurt.  As I am typing, the keys pressing on the pads of my fingers make them tingle like they are asleep.  My eyes hurt like when you have the flu and you have a fever.  My lips are cracked and chapped.  I have a slight sore throat. And I am horribly crabby.  I don’t want to talk to anyone.  don’t cross me or I may bite your head off. 

I am normally the most mild mannered person on the planet.  I very rarely complain or grumble.  Ask me for something and I will do my utmost to accomodate you. I have been through so many things in my life from childrens’ illness, to infidelity(And that was horribly, terribly devastating) and I think I handled those things better then I am handling this particular flair and that is seriously no lie!  Which is sort of scaring me.  The last few days i am surley beyond compare.  And I am exhausted.   I am beginning to feel (whether real or imagined) very unappreciated, overlooked, and well, a bit walked on.  Not just at work but at home as well.  There are jokes made at my expense about me “working hard when I want to work”, now maybe that was supposed to be funny, and made in fun, but I didn’t find it funny especially in the shape my body is in now.  Jokes about the “one piece of rule I hammered in to a board” NOT FUNNY!  Things like that I am not finding the least bit humorous!  And, again it could just be me, and this moment.  But, it is where I am right now, who I am right now, and well…my life right now.  I am a stuffer, it will probably never get talked about out loud, but, that’s life!

The worst part of all of it is that at this time I have absolutely no insurance whatsoever with which to go see a doctor.  And i won’t have any  until open enrollment in November.  Ahh the wonders of disability!

So, for now, I go on, hoping that this flare subsides in due time.  That I will get over it and move on.  That my family won’t kill me in the mean time…LOL.  I’m sorry to everyone that I have been witchy poo to. 

Right now I think I will go to sleep and try to catch up!  And to you other’s with lupus…keep fighting…don’t give up.  Don’t ever give up!

3 thoughts on “here’s the thing….

  1. Lois says:

    Wouldn’t it be nice if it’s just the flu. But even if it were called flu, it would still be nasty to feel so rotten. You are very brave most of the time so you can have some time off from being wonder woman. I love you!!

  2. Sandi says:

    As a fellow Lupus survivor, I have to say, I know exactly what you’re talking about. Some flares are that way, unfortunately. But it doesn’t last forever. There are bad days, and not quite so bad days – like the swell of waves. You peak, and then you’re on the down-turn. Breathe through it. Lots and lots of breathing….

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