Those of you who read my blog know that these last few weeks have been trying times for me. I have been fighting various emotions and physical ailments and pains that make me feel weak and crabby. I dont’ like feeling this way and I fight it with everything inside of me. I don’t like to be mean to people, I don’t like to be cross with my kids or to my husband. I always worry if I have hurt peoples feelings even if they deserve to be scolded or put in their place now and again. And, I tend to allow myself to become a doormat in order to keep the peace.
There have been various kid issues, work issues, the normal day to day spouse issues that are annoying, and a lot of lupus issues that are becoming unpleasant and causing me grief. Oftentimes I wonder why God has put me in this place, why I am here and living the life I am. Will something good come of it? Will my kids see something in me that helps them be stronger people? Will someone out there see Jesus shining in me even a little bit through it all and realize that they can make it one day more? I just don’t know. Sometimes I want to just walk away from it all, move to a little cabin somewhere, a place that is just me, quiet and serene not full of the chaos of this life. In fact I think of running away more than anyone probably realizes. Then I realize all I would be missing here. The laughter of my children, blended and biological. Even when they argue they make me laugh…is that weird or what? The nights my husband and I just lay together in bed watching “house” or “boston legal” just being together.
So, today in the middle of my chaotic messed up life I looked down at my office chair and saw a book laying there. I didn’t know where it had come from. It was called “The Self Publishing Manual”. I have been sort of throwing around the idea of trying to self publish a book myself. Not sure how it would work. But I have tossed it around a bit. Well, apparently my husband has been listening. He found that book this morning and bought it for me. Can you believe it? I never would have guessed he had even been listening to my ramblings about trying to write a book at all let alone self publishing.
So, among the hectic mess….up pops a little daisy. It smelled really nice!