I need to clean my house. I need to take a nap. I need a vacation. I need….I need something more. This is and has been one of those weeks in my life when I have been pondering, probably to my detriment, my life, where I am and why I am where I am. There are a lot of things that can’t be changed. There are a lot of responsibilities and things that are unavoidable. And that is a fact for all of us. However, I think we all come to a spot in the road at one time or another, possibly many times, when we wonder is this it? I know I have been at that cross road a lot lately. Especially since my diagnosis with Lupus.
I always thought my life would add up to more. I thought I would go further, climb bigger mountains, make a bigger mark on this world. I thought my life would matter more in the grand scheme of things. Maybe we all think that. Somewhere, somehow I got off track and took a wrong turn and ended up here, with a chronic disease, in a place where I wonder if this is all there is. Is fatigue and headaches, depression and feeling sick to my stomach what I get the joy of living with for ever? Because to be honest i’m a little tired of it now. I try really hard to be upbeat, positive and focused on the great and good in my life. Afterall, I do have good…I have amazing kids that I couldn’t be prouder of. I have a husband who loves me who works harder then seems humanly possible to get a business off the ground that in this economy seems like an impossibility. I have a roof over my head, food on the table. So, then why do I feel weighed down? Why do I feel as if there is an anchor pulling me toward the bottom of the ocean threatening to drown me?
It is by sheer grace alone that I have come as far as I have. Going through a divorce and dealing on a daily basis with the garbage that goes with that has not been easy for me. There are days when I want to lash out and scream at the top of my lungs about the unfairness of my particular situation with the “father” of my kids. And, I realize speaking poorly of my kids dad is not what you’re supposed to do. But, I do it…and more often then I should. But getting angry doesn’t change who he is or what has happened or how my kids feel about him. I can’t tell them not to love him, not to want to be with him, not to want to have a relationship with him no matter how much I would love for that to happen at times. Those of you who have gone through divorce and have watched one parent be the good time parent while you are the parent who has shouldered the bulk of the responsibility for the reality of raising the kids know what I am talking about. And I know it hurts my kids when they are put in the middle, and it is wrong. But don’t we all just want some validation of the good we have done? Don’t we all just want to feel like our life has meant something and that all the tears and anger and pain have at least been worth a little? Or that it hasn’t gone unnoticed?
So, is this all there is? Is this how my life is to be played out? Isn’t there anything more? And if there is how do I find it? Where do I go from here?