yesterday was a big day for me. It was a big day first of all because I felt pretty good which is always a plus in my book. But it was also a big day because I was interviewed at our church about living life with lupus. Now some may wonder “what is there to say about living life with lupus?” I wondered that myself actually. But the fact of the matter is that there are a lot of people who, like me, live with an illness, a hardship in life that there seems no way of getting out of, who become angry at God, frustrated, hurt and wonder what the worth of life is when living is so difficult. There are days that I wonder that the entire time I am awake. There are days that I feel so guilty because I can’t be the mom to my kids that they deserve because I just don’t have the strength to be that mom. And I feel less then the wife my husband deserves and I often wonder why he stays with me. I feel depression, shame, loss and sadness. And I get down right mad at God for all of it. And that is what I talked about yesterday.
I have found through this journey that it is okay to be mad at God. He knows I’m mad. He made me after all…warts and all. He put me here, he created me. He sees the good in me and the bad and he still loves me. And, I have learned that there is healing and beauty in the brokenness and anger. It is in those times that I find my kids arms wrapped around me, I find my husband gently touching my forehead telling me to sleep and rest. It is during those moments that I see the love that has been sent to surround me during those very moments. And I have learned to embrace the smaller moments. The joy that I still have hair on my head when so many people with lupus have lost all of theirs (not that I haven’t lost my fair share), the fact that I can get up every day and drive a car, enjoy the beauty of another day, that is grace and joy. And yes even the fact that I can cry and get angry and yell at God for this situation, for this illness, for how hard it is, for the pain, the fact that I believe in a God that is there for me to yell at, that I know he does love me and care about me, there is beauty in that.
There are days when I get so upset because I can never live up to the mom that my mom was. She was wonder woman. She had more energy and more zest for life then anyone Iknow. Her house was always clean, laundry always put away, she dusted, vacuumed…I’m lucky if I have the energy to do those things once a month. that angers me, frustrates me, bums me out. But, it also makes me so happy that I had a mom that set such an example for me. A mom that showed me what it means to take pride in my home. A mom that showed me what it means to love her kids with all her heart. So, for me, I have woven that a different way. I don’t always have the energy to do things with my kids like mom did. But I always can sit with my kids on the couch, hang out with them, talk with them, be with them. We can watch movies together, or tv or just be together. It’s not about “going and doing”. It’s about being together. And my mom taught me that. This disease taught me that.
So, yes, I get mad at God. I get mad at my life. sometimes I want to run away and give up…many days in fact. I want to break down andcry. But God is gracious andforgivingand understanding. He knows my limitations…he created me…all of us! I think that He knows we get mad…and I think he’s cool with it. I think that’s what he’s here for. he wants me to vent to him. But he also wants me to give thanks to him for the great stuff that I have in my life. The beauty and joy! So, get mad, cry, vent…but also, look for the good stuff…even the smallest of good things…like having hair on your head. Sometimes you can really find beauty in the brokenness!
You can hear my interview at www.faceofgrace.org. click on the listen to sermon link then click on Pastor Tim interviews his sister lori about living with lupus.