Losing control.

I was reading a blog yesterday by Psychscribe regarding death and dying and how the thought of it is affecting her, how it would affect her family etc.  She, like me, has lupus and like others with chronic diseases we often (at least I do) think of dying, think of the end and how it will be, and how long before it will come, and how it will affect those we love and how the thought of it affects us personally.  I’m sure everyone thinks of dying at some point in their lives, some of us just sort of live with the thought on a daily basis.  Her blog got me thinking about my own life, and how I am dealing with this illness…actually am I really “dealing” with this illness the way I should?  Or am I in denial about the reality of my life moving forward. 

Now, I’m not saying that I am on a downward spiral toward the end, or that my illness has taken a turn and I am headed toward heaven. But, with this disease it is a reality.  It’s just one that I choose not to think about very often…except in those moments when I am alone and no one can see me.  I guess I keep thinking that if I don’t “say it out loud” it can’t happen.  If I were to talk about dying then that means it will really happen…eventually!  I don’t like to think about my kids without me…or worse yet moving on without me.  I don’t like to think about my husband possibly moving forward in life, loving someone else, being with another person after I am gone.  I don’t like to feel out of control.  I guess in death I wouldn’t be in control anymore.  Not that I have any control right now over my husband, or how my kids feel about life etc. 

For some reason this christmas has gotten me pondering life and where I will be in a few years.  Where will my kids be?  I haven’t been feeling well which doesn’t help the wondering either.  Is it wrong to wonder?  Is it wrong to hope that people won’t forget you when your gone?  Or even to feel sadness at the thought of being “out of the picture” so to speak? 

I guess I should celebrate the life I have, and keep living fully and as wholly as I can while I am here.  My illness isn’t as bad as some, it is worse then others.  Staying focused on being a live for my family is what the main goal should be.  No one wants to feel out of control…so for now, I am in control of my disease…and I can control how well I live this life I have.  Life is good…even when it’s not so great!

3 thoughts on “Losing control.

  1. angryafrican says:

    Mmm. This is difficult. I am healthy but I always think about what my family will do without me or me without them. I can’t say what to do in your circumstances but I know I live to love them each day. It seems as if you are doing the same. Living and loving…

  2. psychscribe says:

    I think our fears are normal, and that your conclusion “I guess I should celebrate the life I have, and keep living fully and as wholly as I can while I am here.” is what all of need to do, chronic illness or not. In a way, its kind of a painful gift. Most people don’t even think about celebrating the lives they have and living it to the fullest. Hugs, Psychscribe

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