While I have been laid up here in my house for the last week and a half I have had soo much time to sit and think, ponder, wonder, pray and meditate on my life, where it has been, what I have done, and where I want to go…beter yet where does God want me to go. Because frankly at this point i don’t see me going much of anywhere or doing much of anything. And it is down right frustrating to me. So many dreams, hopes, wishes, desires rattle around in my brain. they aren’t even big things like sailing away to spain on a schooner with a chef and maids and slowly enjoying the ocean and all it’s amazing wonders. And, honestly, with Lupus it would be sort of a moot dream anyway! My dreams are much more simple. A cottage somewhere remote, yet close enough to civilization for me to have a walmart, target, mall, and maybe some small quaint cafes (my husband and I have found the most amazing food at the most obscure of places). Oh, and a movie theater would be a must. But secluded enough that if we wanted to sit on the porch and watch the sunset uninterrupted, and just enjoy each other and the beauty God has given us we can. Not a totally unattainable goal for a person with Lupus i don’t think.
I have always wanted to write a book. I have written one…but it really didn’t go anywhere…but I do have my name on at least one book in this world somewhere. that dream may be somewhat out of my reach..who knows.
I want to watch my kids be successful, have families, enjoy grandkids….and be able to send them home when I have had my fill…LOL.
I want to love the Lord with all my heart, soul and mind. I want to truly believe in my heart that his grace has set me free. some days…..especially the last week or so it has been hard to believe that.
The meds I have been on during this bout of flare have not been pleasant. They have done strange things to me physically but mentally they have freaked me out a bit. I have had some pretty bad anxiety attacks and I ran out of anxiety medicine midway through this battle…not good….and just today got it refilled….YIPPEEEEE!!!!! So, when I feel those heart palpitations, and my hands start to get all clammy, my mouth gets dry and i want to run away to God only knows where, from the fear that is building in my gut, my mom and my brother who also have suffered with panic attacks have taught me to use that time to pray and one of two things usually happen. Either I find myself calming down or I end up falling into an amazingly deep and peaceful sleep. it’s amazing what God can do isn’t it…it would just be nice if we stupid humans would allow him to do his work once in a while!
The first in this series is my discussion with god about just “getting the hec out of dodge”. I believe it was maybe day two of my life in bed last week. I was laying there, pretty much feeling sorry for myself, and I said “hey god” (obviously I said that to him cuz he would have no reason to say Hey God to me….I’m nowhere even close to that status yet…although some may argue the point LOL) I said Hey God what would be so bad about me just packing everything up, finding a little place further up the road in, oh say New River…Prescott….yarnell even…I would even settle for wickenburg, to just hang out. it wouldn’t have to be elaborate. Nothing special. Just somewhere for Steve and I, Jake and Spencer….uh oh…Jake and Spencer….the snag in my theory. They would never go for leaving their friends and moving to some podunk little town….not even for me. Not even if i begged. Then there’s the matter of the business we happen to be in hock up to our ears in. What do we do with that? Ummmm, how about just walk away? People do it all the time. In Life time movies people leave, pack up and move away to create these great lives in order to save their families and sanity and life.
Seriously, God there has to be more to life then me dying. And that’s what I am doing. I am dying a little more everyday. And, if I am not around to help my husband, he will die. He’s not a young man anymore. He hasn’t out right admitted it but he is having health issues of his own and that is one more worry that adds to my stress. I have my kids on the one hand demanding me to stop…to quit do all this stuff….they don’t want me to die, to overdo it. My husband is supportive on the one hand but yet I can see the disappointment and the look of panic in his eyes when I leave him to do it all on his own. So, why not hand it all back over to who we bought it from? I think we got took anyway. Isn’t it acceptable to just RUN!!!!!!!!!! I want the cottage, the front porch swing, the walks down the path without the sun killing me, I want the time with my husband BEFORE 3 AM which has become his normal time coming home from work. i want our weekends back. I want those moments we shared when we were dating when we were first married, before the economic crunch hit us and he lost his job. I want the romance back, the spark, I don’t want to feel sad so much of the time. I don’t want to wonder if it is all worth it and if this is all there is. I DON’T WANT TO HAVE LUPUS!
Stay tuned for episode #2!