I have been writing off and on about my life and how I need to downsize…get rid of some responsibilities and take care of me. Well the time has come and I have taken the initial steps to make that happen. Since my husband lost his job about two years ago, bought a new business etc it has been quite a ride. There have been so many ups and downs and victories and not so great victories…but..it has taken it’s toll on my body. I haven’t been listening to it like I should and I have been brushing aside the signs and warnings that things aren’t right. But I have kept pushing a long because I knew my husband needed me, I knew he couldn’t do it on his own. I want it to be a success.
Off and on over this past year I have gotten sick with different things. Each time I have bounced back pretty well. My blood work has gone up and down, back and forth, like it does when you have lupus. There have been days when I have thought that possibly living was more of a drudgery then a celebration. Don’t get me wrong…I’m not talking sucide or anything like that…I’m just saying that the life that I do have, the one that I “can” live I should be trying to live the best that I can…but I’m not. I am blowing the chance to enjoy what I can.Then this last illness really knocked me to my knees. And I haven’t yet gotten back up. Every day I hope against hope that I have gotten stronger and some days I do feel better. But for the most part I start out okay but after an hour or so I am just wiped out. Sure the sores are, for the most part, gone, but the pain of shingles seems to hang on for quite some time. The fatigue goes on, and drags me down. It is often difficult just to move from one chair to another or from one task to the next. Even the thought of what to make for dinner some nights wears me out.
What’s really scary for me is that there are times when I am driving, for instance, to take one of my son’s friends home whom I have taken home millions of times, and I can’t for the life of me remember how to get to his house. My brain is on permanent vacation. When I have gone into the business just to do the things that absolutely can’t be done without me, I often have to sit and think before i do it…I just can’t remember from one minute to the next what I am supposed to be doing. I am not bouncing back this time. I am listening…my body is speaking to me and it is time for me to listen.
Today I told my husband I can’t go on like I have been. I need to stop. I need to choose living….I need to slow down, and listen to what my body is saying. I am not sure how we are going to accomplish this…who we will find to pick up the slack…what we will do. I prayed to God that he wouldn’t be angry, or disappointed. But, he agreed…just like that…he agreed. So, here’s to choosing life. Choosing me! I’m not going to feel guilty for wanting to enjoy what I can of what I have. I have been given a rotten roll of the dice but I need to make the best of that roll! There can still be beauty and lovliness…there can still be laughter and good times instead of fatigue and illness all the time. One day at a time….listening to my body and taking care of me for a change.
Next week will be a difficult week for me. My husband will be going on a business trip…the first without me in a long time. I’m still not 100% and I’m a bit on the emotional side although I don’t allow anyone to see that very often. I just pray to God that the week goes fast! After that…the new me begins!