I always get nervous when my husband is going to travel. I know it’s silly but it’s just the way I am. I worry about silly things…will the plane go down, will the hotel explode into a million peices, will a huge terroist attack happen and I will have to search through rubble to find him? And there are the smaller things that a lot of women worry about…will he meet some mysterious woman who steals his heart away and makes him realize how horrible it has been living with this sickly old broad here in AZ. Or…will he meet some old heart throb…ya know…”the one that got away” and realize he never got over her?
It’s all pretty ridiculous but it comes from years of failure, of heartbreak of being let down and not fully pulling myself back up again. Once you have been led down that road of believing that you aren’t worth being loved for who you are…warts and all…it is hard to believe that anyone will stick around for the good bad and the ugly for the long haul. Somewhere along the line you are going to be let down, hurt or something. That’s what you are led to believe…and that thought sticks for a very long time. Even when I have those great moments when I have discovered that I am a super person, that I am lovely inside, that I am worth loving there comes a moment of doubt. A moment when insecurities and worthlessness sets back in and haunts me. I have learned over the years to try my hardest to hide those moments from my husband because lord knows that men hate insecure women. He has heard his share of whining from me over the years and he has been really good about it. No matter what he does to convince me it is up to me to believe in myself. He can’t “MAKE” me believe in me. That has to come from inside of me. These feelings tend to manifest themselves a lot when has a lot of late work nights and when he goes on business trips…like the one he is going on tomorrow. So, I will grit my teeth and hang on and bear it. I will be strong and believe in myself, do a lot of praying and I will cling to that certainty that God has put me in this place, in this life for a reason. And although I don’t know why, and I certainly don’t understand most of what life has thrown my way, I know HE is faithful and his grace is sufficient for me.
This Is Who I Am…
I want to be known, to be noticed
I want to be the mystery in the room
I want to be certain, yet be surprised.
I want to be a loving mom with teachable moments
An appreciative daughter who makes her dad’s eye sparkle
A sister who’s there with the hand to hold, a joke to tell, a hug to give.
I want to be a wife who loves beyond love, who gives beyond giving, who trusts
I want to show grace
I want to be embraced by Grace!