I have been cheated on. Not recently, but, in my life, infidelity has left it’s indelible mark on my heart. It isn’t something that I like to talk about and it is something that stays with you for the rest of your life. No matter how long ago it happened it never leaves you. It passes on from one relationship to the next and unfortunately it affects those relationships and they have to deal with the fallout for that infidelity. There are still days when I am consumed with wonder as to whether or not my current partner is cheating on me because of the fact that I have been cheated on in the past.
what’s worse then that is that I know that I have done the misdeed of passing this fear and mistrust on to my girls. I know in the backs of their minds they always wonder about relationships…whether it be friendships, relationships with the opposite sex, or even family members to some degree. It is a vicious cycle that no matter how hard I try to stop it continues to grow and bcome an ever present monster in my life. I find it difficult to watch shows or movies that deal with that topic. Believe it or not it took me a long time to watch a movie with Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie in it…strange maybe..but that’s the truth of it.
Some people think it’s funny. That you can just pick up from it and move on. but that’s really not the case. You find yourself checking cell phones, emails, looking suspiciously at anyone who comes in the door. It’s not a good way to live.
It’s a painful reminder of how fragile the human emotion is. How one person, one act of selfishness can ruin the ideals and feelings of so many around them. I know all the theories about infidelity and that it takes two to make a relationship/marriage and that cheating doesnt “just” happen. But I do believe it is a choice. And that there are so many other choices that can be made in light of a bad relationship that would cause much less serious consequences then infidelity. I tend not to write about it much, or even talk about it that much because it is just too painful. There are days when it eats at me like a virus eating at my insides. I don’t have feelings for my ex, I am way beyond that. What hurts is the constant feeling that it could happen again, at any time and that I don’t trust anyone anymore. I have lost my faith in that “happy ever after” marriage that I once so longed for in my life. And I am afraid that I have ruined that for my girls as well..not by choice but by being who I am and going through what I have gone through and vicariously bringing them with me. I want more for them then that. I want them to feel open and free to love with their whole heart, not just partially like I do.
Don’t even toy with cheating. Don’t even think about it. If cheating is in the cards for you, let the one your with go first. It touches too many, and ruins too many. And it’s just not worth it.