My condolences go out to all the families of those who have died this week. It is so sad to lose a loved one, especially a parent, and I feel for the kids who lost their parents this week. The celebrity of these people aside, they were still parts of families and those are truly the ones suffering at this time.
I heard on CNN yesterday that it is believed that Micael Jackson has suffered from Lupus all these years. After hearing that I understood a lot more his odd behavior, i.e the umbrella every time he went out, long sleeves, wearing a mask to keep a way from germs often, not wanting to be in the sun, joint issues, sores on his face etc. In a way I understand his need for privacy when dealing with a chronic illness, however on the other hand…what a great ambassador for the Lupus Foundation he could’ve been had he let this news out and spoke out about his illness.
Lupus is a very misunderstood disease. It affects everyone who has it differently and certainly, if he did in fact have Lupus, it affected him a great deal. I am daily struggling with my own illness and the progression of it. I worry, I wonder, I contemplate…but mostly I am trying my best to live. I think of the struggles I have, and then I see someone like Farrah Fawcet who fought an amazing painful battle with cancer and I’m not really sure that I could fight like she did. I realize that my illness is no where near what she has struggled through…even though there are days when I feel like I just don’t want to move or get out of bed. I only hope that I can be as positive as she was through her battle.
There have been some stressors in our life lately that have caused me to have some symptoms that, unfortunately, I have to fight my way through. Having a child that is in trouble, not knowing how to best deal with that situation and continue to care for the other kids in my life (my own kids especially) is daunting to me. I never want my own children to feel as if they have taken a back seat in my life. And I am really struggling with how to handle this new obstacle that has happened. Being a step family is so hard that way. What happens to one set of kids affects the entire dynamic of the family, the marriage and the life that you live. All I know is that the safety and well being of my kids has to be my top priority.
And, how this affects our marriage is a bit of a scary thing to me. In a step family each partner in the marriage brings with them their own set of kids, their own set of insecurities and baggage. A balance has to be made between the kids and the marriage. And the marriage has to be the utmost important part. And, we have tried really hard to maintain that. But, if there is an unhealthy element, on one side or the other, that has to be dealt with in a way that is optimal to everyone concerned. It is hard to seperate your feelings for your own kids versus what is best for your marriage and family as a whole. I guess that’s the biggest down side of step parenting. No matter how much you try to blend as a “whole” family there is still a seperation there!
Right now I am praying that things work out, that God has a plan, and that there is a purpose for everything that is going on in our family right now. I gotta admit there are times when I doubt God and doubt whether or not he knows what he is doing. This has been one of those scary times for me.
For now, I am going to keep living, keep loving, and keep trying to forgive and heal! I think that’s the best anyone can do!