I have been sick…again. I have shingles again, and it just isn’t fun. And, so I’m having a little pity party for myself…I’m entitled to that right? There are times when I really sit and wonder what it is that I am supposed to do with this life that I have. I mean..any little stress or over exertion on my part and it seems my body, the lupus, rebels and that’s the end of that. And, deep down I am afraid. I’m afraid of getting sicker, afraid of dying and leaving my kids a lone, afraid of becoming such a burden that no one in their right mind would want to take care of me for that long haul. And there are the fears that all the medications are just going to rip my insides to shreds anyways! How does one reconcile oneself to that being the way life is going to be…forever?
I do have a “bucket” list so to speak…things that I would love to do before I go…before my time on this earth is through. For instance I would love to go to Ireland…I would love to wander around all the little villages and countryside. But with that dream comes the fear of getting sick overseas in another country….a double edged sword! I would love to write a novel…I do have one started…but what if it became popular and famous? How would I cope with a book tour? Book signings? Would my body survive that kind of abuse? Then there are the more realistic things like seeing my kids have babies…I want so much to be around for that. i can’t wait for that! i want to see my kids get married, to watch their relationships develope and flourish. I want to see them fall in love and know that joy that brings to your life. I want to see where they go with their careers. They have big dreams and I have no doubt they will achieve whatever they set their minds to. I want to be here for all that! I love my kids. they are my heart and soul..they are that small part of me that continues on even after I am gone. I want them to know how much they mean to me!
When I am sick, like i am now, I think of all these things. I got to see my son play in church again last sunday. I am so proud of him and grateful that he is getting the chance to play. He loves it so much. I started feeling sick the day before, saw the shingles beginning to form. Then sunday I felt strange. i wasn’t walking straight, my words were slurring. things just weren’t right. I went and asked my brother for prayer (he is the pastor at our church) and he laid hands on me and prayed. Every day I hope that things will get better but it seems as i get older it is getting worse and that I am letting more and more people down because I just don’t have the energy to fight anymore. I don’t have energy to fight this disease or to fight the drama that is going on in our life either. And it is unfair to everyone around me.
I beg God to help me. To make things better just for a little while. There must be some sort of lesson that I am supposed to be learning through all of this. But as of yet, i have no clue what it is. Hopefully it will become clear soon. Until then I will just keep praying and hoping that things…all things..get better. Because honestly it can’t get much worse!