Sick sick sick…..

I have been sick…again.  I have shingles again, and it just isn’t fun.  And, so I’m having a little pity party for myself…I’m entitled to that right?  There are times when I really sit and wonder what it is that I am supposed to do with this life that I have.  I mean..any little stress or over exertion on my part and it seems my body, the lupus, rebels and that’s the end of that.  And, deep down I am afraid.  I’m afraid of getting sicker, afraid of dying and leaving my kids a lone, afraid of becoming such a burden that no one in their right mind would want to take care of me for that long haul.  And there are the fears that all the medications are just going to rip my insides to shreds anyways!  How does one reconcile oneself to that being the way life is going to be…forever? 

I do have a “bucket” list so to speak…things that I would love to do before I go…before my time on this earth is through.  For instance I would love to go to Ireland…I would love to wander around all the little villages and countryside.  But with that dream comes the fear of getting sick overseas in another country….a double edged sword!  I would love to write a novel…I do have one started…but what if it became popular and famous?  How would I cope with a book tour?  Book signings?  Would my body survive that kind of abuse?  Then there are the more realistic things like seeing my kids have babies…I want so much to be  around for that.  i can’t wait for that! i want to see my kids get married, to watch their relationships develope and flourish.  I want to see them fall in love and know that joy that brings to your life.  I want to see where they go with their careers.  They have big dreams and I have no doubt they will achieve whatever they set their minds to.  I want to be here for all that!  I love my kids.  they are my heart and soul..they are that small part of me that continues on even after I am gone.  I want them to know how much they mean to me!

When I am sick, like i am now, I think of all these things.  I got to see my son play in church again last sunday.  I am so proud of him and grateful that he is getting the chance to play.  He loves it so much.  I started feeling sick the day before, saw the shingles beginning to form.  Then sunday I felt strange.  i wasn’t walking straight, my words were slurring.  things just weren’t right.  I went and asked my brother for prayer (he is the pastor at our church) and he laid hands on me and prayed.  Every day I hope that things will get better but it  seems as i get older it is getting worse and that I am letting more and more people down because I just don’t have the energy to fight anymore.  I don’t have energy to fight this disease or to fight the drama that is going on in our life either.  And it is unfair to everyone around me. 

I beg God to help me.  To make things better just for a little while.  There  must be some sort of lesson that I am supposed to be learning through all of this.  But as of yet, i have no clue what it is.  Hopefully it will become clear soon.  Until then I will just keep praying and hoping that things…all things..get better.  Because honestly it can’t get much worse!

4 thoughts on “Sick sick sick…..

  1. Marilyn Celeste Morris says:

    I have lupus, too. Currently in remission; dx’d in 1988. Hang in there!
    I have written a book about my journey with lupus and am beginning a new book which will feature others’ such as yourself, with their struggles, their experiences with meds, doctors, family and friends’ reactions, etc. ‘
    If you are interested in contributing to this work, please let me know via my email: I will be sending more information and a release form from my publisher’s legal dept. and we will guard your privacy.
    Thanks! And good luck.
    Marilyn Celeste Morris

  2. CelestialGold says:

    I hope you get better. I know it feels like the walls are closing in. But a little faith and hope go a long way. You are not in this alone it is a battle we all fight everyday.

    God Bless you.

  3. lupusranting says:

    I so totally understand. Lupus is evil, isn’t it? And I’ve had each and every one of the fears you wrote about.. Sometimes it’s hard to sort out which is worse; the medication toxic side effects or the disease itself. Stress is so much more debilitating when you have lupus. I share your fears of all the uncertainty that we face each and every day. We don’t want to be a burden to our family and children. We are not asking for too much … just a chance to participate in life without being sick all the time.

    I was never able to find true love. I was married and divorced when my son was just a toddler and I raised him by myself. I live alone now, as he is married and lives out of state. Having lupus scares the snot of out me! And facing it alone with little hope of finding someone to share my life with makes it all the more sad, especially when I’m in a flare up!

    But ….. I did manage to travel to Ireland with my sister … despite lupus! Actually, the weather was more “lupus friendly”. And I also have started writing a book; it’s a biography for my future grandchildren, so they will know their grandmother in case I’m not well enough to tell them the stories myself. My isn’t what I hoped it would be, but most of the time I can find the strength to keep on trying. I refuse to give in to this stupid disease.

    There’s always a way to get where you need to go. Sometimes the path we take just isn’t the one we imagined. Nonetheless, we eventually will have the faith to make the journey.

    I wish I had a magic wand for you! But I can offer you my prayers and best wishes that this flare will be short.. Don’t lose sight of your dreams. Hold steadfast to faith … in yourself and in those you love!

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