Christmas Eve, Lupus and life

So, do I wax poetic?  Or do I just write mumbo jumbo about feelings?  I guess the last few days have been odd and strange and mixed with feelings of Joy of the season yet sadness that mom and dad will not be here to celebrate with us.  I haven’t been feeling really well lately.  I’m sure that emotions and sadness has something to do with some of that.  But, my pain has been to the extremes and as of yet I am unsure why.  It sort of goes with the territory with Lupus, pain that is.  It has been different then usual.  More intense and dibilitating.  I even went to be early on a couple of nights thinking that laying in my bed may help lessen the extent of the pain.  I feel, in some ways that I have let my kids down, in that we haven’t done a lot of the things that we normally do on Christmas, like the baking and even the decorating was to a minimum this year.  I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.  But tomorrow I will make it the best possible Christmas morning I can.  I even invited my ex husband to join us for Christmas morning breakfast.  I guess, like my kids said, he is a part of their lives and as they get older he will be at more and more big events like weddings and things that they are  in or a  part of.  So, in the spirit of good will and mending fences my husband and I invited him to Christmas.  He is a lone this year, his dad passed away about 2  years ago as well.  I have to applaud my husband for the way he gets a long with my ex.  It hasn’t always been that way.  And, if the shoe were on the other foot, at this point, I’m not so sure I would be so gracious with his ex!  Of course there is a lot more kid drama going on in that situation then in mine.  Anyways, that is one of the new traditions of the year…the ex is coming to Christmass Breakfast. 

And, usually on Christmas eve we go to church.  It is a great service and every year it touches me.  But the last two years since mom died I have been an emotional wreck by the end of the service.  And this year with Dad gone I am afraid i will be boo hooing through the entire thing.  So, I think we are opting out of the service this year and are going to celebrate, just the two of us, tonight by going to dinner together and just being a married couple!  We will be all alone until tomorrow morning, it will be nice to spend some much needed time together just being!  I have realized over the last few weeks how much I truly love my husband.  We have had some really nasty rough patches, some times when I wondered if we would  make it through it in tact.  But we have come out of those storms stronger and more in tune with each other.  I know that on my kids part there is still alot of healing that needs to happen there, but he is trying so hard to stay a part of their lives.  And I am so thankful for that.  I pray every day that our family will heal and become whole once more. 

He took the stockings that I made for his boys to them last night.  I’m not sure if they “expected”  stuff from us or if there was surprise there.  But, the effort was made to make them feel a part of our christmas.  They are hurting, both of the boys, they are in such need of a healing touch.  But at this point it is really up to their mom to get them back to where they need to be.  They have all closed us out of their lives, deciding on a path that leads only to destruction and pain.  It will take a miracle to make it right.  I know my kids miss them, miss their brothers, miss the times that we all spent together, the laughter, the joy that once filled this house, especially on Christmas morning.  Hopefully one day we will have that back again.

Well, I’m sleepy.  I need to rest before the next two days begin.  Merry Christmas everyone.  And keep looking up because that’s where our strength comes from!

One thought on “Christmas Eve, Lupus and life

  1. duffboy says:

    I truly hope you can spend what’s left of 2009 in peace, sharing with your loved ones. I also hope your health improves, never stop living to the fullest, despite your condition.

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