I’m scared. I’m not gonna lie. I have been feeling for awhile that something strange is wrong with me. something that is a little more scary then the lupus I have been living with for all these years. Not that lupus isn’t scary, because there are times that it is. But, this is different. I feel like there is something growing in my back, near my lungs, something unhealthy and unknown as of yet. I am going to the doctor on thursday and requesting some tests to find out what the problem is. Till then I just have to wait and keep my fingers crossed.
In my life I have gone through numerous scary events. I had two miscarriages, both of which were scary, sad and emotionally draining on me. The birth of my oldest daughter was terrifying. She almost died, I almost died, it was horrible. But, I would do it all again in order to have her in my life. Going through the ending of my first marriage was scary. Finding out that my husband had been unfaithful to me, that was my worst nightmare come true. I am a very insecure person as it is. Knowing that someone interested him more then me…well…you get the picture. I know how manipulative some women are, and when they want something they will stop at nothing till they get it. I have never understood that philosiphy of wanting a relationship, or ripping apart another relationship in order to build your own ego, but that’s what infidelity is at its raw, broken down essence. That incident alone, that infidelity in my first marriage, has impacted my marriage now, and not in a good way. I question everything, I always wonder, worry and think the worst in every situation, even when it isn’t warranted. Trust is a difficult thing for me. I don’t give trust easily, and I know I put up walls that block parts of me so that “IF” something bad should happen not all of me would be lost. Because I vowed i would never let myself be hurt like that again. I have a lot of fear in my life.
And now I am faced with a new fear. Yes I have had medical issues before and some have been frightening. But for some reason, and I’m not sure what that is, maybe intuition, knowing my body as well as i do, this time is different.
So, I have been praying…day and night. I have been bringing my fear to God, begging him to get me through whatever comes my way. I know he is faithful and he will help me handle what ever it is. I also know that thinking positively often helps people recover faster. So, i am trying to think in a positive manner. But fear is a strong animal. It is inticing and it grabs a hold of your insides and doesn’t let go. Fear has a life of it’s own.
But for now, i am going to focus on what i know. I have capable doctors, I have a supportive family and I have a God that can perform amazing miracles. that’s what I know, and that’s what I am holding on to! After all….maybe it will be nothing at all! That’s where the hope comes in!