I have been having a hard time lately…dealing with my dad’s death. It has been such an emotional rollercoaster for me and I’m not sure how to get myself out of it. I hear a song on the radio, see a commercial on TV or just read a verse in my Bible and the water works start. The worst part is that I don’t like to cry in front of other people, I am really self conscious about people knowing that I am hurting. So, I try to hide it all. I am a stuffer by nature anyway! I was driving to the doctor the other day and I thought to myself “I should call dad and ask him if he wants to go to lunch after my appointment”. I picked up my phone to call and then the realization hit me….dad isn’t here anymore. I can never have lunch with my dad again. I thought my heart was going to rip in two. But, I couldn’t cry cuz I was almost to the doctor and, well, who wants to walk into the doctor with puffy eyes, a red nose and looking like you’ve just been crying??? Not me! So, I sucked it up, and went to my appointment.
Part of my problem, I think, is that I am in a lot of pain right now from whatever is wrong with my back. I mean, PAIN! It is unlike any pain I have felt and no matter what I do I can’t seem to get any relief from it. I do have medication from the doctor that I take but that just cuts the pain for a little while, wears off and it is still hours before I can take more. I usually am pretty good about pain. I have been dealing with it for so many years that after a while, you just get to know your body, start knowing what you can and can’t handle, what the triggers are and how to stay away from inflicting extra pain on an already hurting body. I have a pretty high pain tolerance and can get through just about anything. But this is different. This pain makes me want to literally roll around on my bed, hugging my knees to my chest, and cry. And that doesn’t even help! So, add that to my missing my dad and you have an all around disaster!
So, lately I have begun doing some visualization stuff. At night, I close my eyes and I picture Jesus, sitting there with me, wrapping his arms around me and telling me everything will be okay. I see myself, my body, begin to relax into him, and to feel his warmth surround me. And, then I pray. Oftentimes I find myself fallling to sleep without even realizing it. I think that is God’s way of helping me through one more pain filled evening. And, I have, odd as it sounds, seen my dad in a couple of dreams. He is usually wearing this peachy colored shirt that he always wore, that we all really hated, along with his jeans (which he called overalls, I’m not sure why cuz they weren’t) and his white tennis shoes with the velcro closures on them. He tells me everything will be fine and I am going to be okay. Then I end up yelling at him to get out of my room cuz he is supposed to be dead and he shouldn’t be playing those kinds of tricks on me. Then my husband shakes me awake cuz usually I am screaming those words in my sleep..creepy and funny at the same time! But I do think dad would want me to know that everything is going to be okay. I just miss him and my mom so much. And when I’m hurting it seems so much worse!
It also isn’t helping that my husband has had to work such horribly long hours to keep this business of ours going. Granted we have been really busy with more business then he can keep up with, and that is a good thing. But, at the same time, we aren’t making enough money to employ the amount of people we really need to keep him from having to stay down at the shop till all hours of the night…and the weekend. I’m worried about his health, and that if he keeps up this pace for too much longer it’s going to be disasterous! But, I’m not sure how to help him either. I do as much as I can to help out with things, at the same time helping out with the kids, grand kids, the house, the day to day life. And, if I am THIS exhausted I can only imagine how he feels! But also we don’t get to spend much time together..I mean real quality time, time uninterrupted by work or kids or just stuff. Usually our time consists of sleeping. So, then I worry about our marriage, and our life and all that crap starts creeping in, you know, those thoughts that you don’t want to have! Just worries!
So, needless to say things have been a bit stressful and I’m really not sure when that will end. I really don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel right now. I’m always telling my kids that they need to keep looking ahead that things will always get better, they are reaching for their own goals and dreams right now…and they need to hang on to that. Then I wonder…what are we, my husband and I, reaching for? Where is my light at the end of the tunnel?
Ahh..the wonder of doubt! I just need to keep reminding myself that “all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.” Surely he can make a beautiful creation out of the chaos that is my life right now! That’s what I need to hold on to and believe…..somehow there is beauty and joy in the mess!!!!!