But, I’m starting to wonder. I’m so so tired. My body is rebelling in the worst possible way. I feel things slipping away, my sense of humor, my normally easy going attitude, my go with the flow attitude, my take it as it comes personality. I am usually a giver. I typically am unable to say no, to anyone, ever, never. Maybe not a great attribute for someone with a chronic illness, but one that I have actually been proud of. Because when I was really needed by my kids, by my step kids, by my grandkids, by my husband, I tried my hardest, my darndest to say yes unless I absolutely was too sick, too tired to do it. That’s who I am, who Iwas. Now, though, I’m tired. I want to lie down, I want to rest. My bones feel like they are sponges that can no longer hold the skin around them up. And I mean this in the most literal of ways. I picked up my husbands dry cleaning today. When I went to hang it in the closet today, not the most exhertive of activities, I found I couldn’t hold up 3 shirts at a time to hang them on the rack. Seriously….3 shirts! I had to lay it all down and hang 3 things at a time, take a breath, hang three more. By the time I was done I felt as if I had run an entire marathon. Now let me clue you in. I excersize. I walk on a treadmill 3 times a week for 45 minutes at a time. So, it’s not like I get no excersize at all. Not to mention the running around I do picking up kid etc. I know my doctor told me that the muscle in my upper body is deteriorating, that the nerves are dissapating, that there is something not right there..but this is beyond ridiculous. And I have an entire house to pack. Needless to say I sat down then and there and boo hooed for a good 45 min…not that it did any good…but I did it none the less. I tend not to cry in front of kids, husband, siblings you know the drill. It doesn’t do any good any way…what does it change? it is what it is. I am sick. No one can change that. But today, hanging that clothes up I got angry…really really angry. I was pissed off at God, at myself, at, well at everyone and everything. My kids deserve a mom that is 100%. My husband deserves a wife that is 100%. And I deserve ME! But I am what I am!
Today is one of those days that I think it would be better for me to go away for a few weeks and come back when the move is done, when the stress is over, maybe i wouldn’t hurt so much, or cry so hard. Maybe the infection would go away for a little while. Just maybe I could feel human for just a tiny bit!
And then there were comments this week about my “graciousness…or showing of grace and compassion” toward my wayward stepsons. It doesn’t really matter who the comments came from. The fact is that they were made. And again, this blog will be read, there will be anger toward these words…and oh well. But here is what I have to say about that. No, the boys are not mine. And no, maybe I haven’t treated them like I would have treated my own. The point is that my own children did not go down that path so I didn’t need to ever address those issues…but that isn’t because they werent introduced to drugs…because in fact they were…by my step son…and they were strong enough to go another direction. It amazes me that 5 Kids were all raised under this same roof and yet three all stayed straight, had good grades, goals, ambitions, their heads on straight, and two; the two without any discipline, went down the totally wayward path they did. Had my kids made the choices my stepsons made I can say with certainty there would have been consequences for their actions..there would have been steps taken to make sure that patterns were stopped before they got to a point that they were unstoppable. I have given and given and given to the point of my own kids leaving our home because my step kids were threatening to them. I have tried to be a team player in every area but when all I am given is the responsibility of “picking the boys up when they get into trouble” and that ends my involvement, that isnt’ really being a part of the team. Being part of the team is having input in discipline, in problem solving, in how to fix it all….i had no say in any of that. I was just the driver, the cook, the ‘come pick me up, can I have some money for the bus or movies or what ever,” person. Honestly, I tried my hardest to make this place a family. The kids here loved each other. They miss each other. I wanted this to be a safe place, a happy, honest good place. But I got no support from the other end. And the kids felt that…they knew that. And now, they need help. Help that I cannot give. And I hope they get that help and that one day there can be a reuniting of everyone and we can be a family again. It truly breaks my heart to hear someone say, that they believe that I didn’t have enough compassion or grace….HOW DARE THEY! Until they walk a mile in my shoes they will never ever know! They will never know the days I cried, over all of this. How I worried. How I prayed. They weren’t JUST step kids to me. They ARE family.