Another mother’s day without my mom….and guess what…I miss her horribly! There have been so many things that have happened this year that I wish she could have been a part of in my life. A new grand baby, a new house, band concerts, my daughter’s graduations, and the list goes on. I have thought time and again “wow mom would have really enjoyed that,” or ” I wish mom were here to try that”. I wonder if those thoughts or feelings ever go away?! Or, maybe it’s a good thing that they don’t. Maybe in some strange way it keeps me close to her, keeps her in my heart, so that I can continue to share her love to my kids.
I know I am far from a perfect mom. There are many moments when I feel like I have failed miserably in this job that I have been given in raising these kids. I look back on the years they were little and I wonder what I could have done better, what I missed. Did I teach them enough? Did I encourage them enough? Did I tell them I love them enough? Hug them enough? Did I let them know how proud I am of them? Having lupus causes me to have such guilt so often. There are many many times when I want to be there, do more for them, but I just can’t. I don’t feel well enough, I don’t have enough strength. And the moment, the event passes and I sit here thinking “what have I done? I just missed a major event in my kids life…AGAIN!” I want them to understand, but they are kids…kids aren’t supposed to have to understand things like their parent being sick. I remember my mom, as she got older, got sicker and more often said no to going to things then she used to. And I often wondered if it hurt her to say no like it hurts me to say no. I’m sure it did…knowing my mom. Oh how I miss her!
I guess if there is one thing I would want my kids to learn from all of this is that compassion is a key ingredient to life. You have to have compassion for people. Sometimes people just have “stuff” that they are dealing with. You may not know what it is, or how it is affecting them, but sometimes people just need a break. Be compassionate! My mom had a compassionate heart! She always gave people a second, third, fourth, fifth chance. She always gave the benefit of the doubt! I think that’s one of the greatest lessons I learned from my mom. Don’t give up on people! Don’t be ignorant, or let people walk on you, but understand and be compassionate!!! Happy mother’s day Mom! I love you!