You’re never fully divorced, and the kids are always in the middle!

My dad died.  Last october, suddenly, my dad died.  And while we didn’t always see eye to eye, and he made mistakes in his life as my dad, I loved him, truth be it known I idolized him.  He was a strong man.  He never backed down to anyone.  Yet if one of his kids was hurting you could see that hurt written all over his face.  He loved with his entire being, and he adored my mom, and he loved his children.  I learned how to love my  kids from my mom and dad.  But, last october my dad died. 

In may my ex husband took me back to court, again, regarding child support of our now 16 year old son.  Honestly, I thought we had gotten to the point where those sorts of shenanigans were over with.  Our two daughters have graduated highschool, one has graduated college, one is well on her way through college, he got the child support issue ended as quickly as possible the minute they graduated from highschool…no shocker there.   But I really had thought we could get through our sons last two years of highschool without any fighting and just move on and be done with it.  I guess I was wrong.   The really sad part is that I don’t think he would have done this if my dad were still alive!

I won’t go into detail because it is all a he said she said anyway.  I had just so hoped, prayed that we had reached a reasonable spot, a peaceful place.  There has been so much tension in my life, my health hasn’t been great, little turns downward, little blips on the radar that continually remind me that I have this battle raging inside of me that no one seems to know how I can win.  Financial worries, moving, losing my parents, and then there are the kids.  Just trying to talk to them about any of this, I end up being the bad guy.  I guess it is my mistake talking to them about any of it at all, but I guess I figured two of them are now adults and maybe it was time they face the reality of what life has been like for me dealing with their dad.  But they don’t want to do that.  They want to make me aware of the mistakes I have made in my life.  Little do they know that a lot of those mistakes were made while breaking my heart!  So, now I just don’t talk to them about any of it.  They don’t want to be in the middle, they don’t want to pick sides, but, in some ways they have picked sides…because they don’t want to anger their dad, they know I am the constant, the unconditional one, so they can get all their anger out on me knowing I will still be here tomorrow. He’s the good time parent…the “take us out to dinner” guy.  I’m just mom. 

So, I’ve gotten an attorney, we’ve worked up a response to the papers, and we’re on our way down this rediculous road one more time…and to what end?  Because in 2 years my son will be 18, a highschool graduate and it will a scramble back to court as quick as my ex can get his feet to move there to have any and all support stopped anyway.  I will never forget the day in the attorneys office when we were working out the details of our divorce and the attorney asked about child support during college.  He said that a lot of people were now adding that in to the papers so that it would continue through college so that kids would continue being supported.  My ex looked at me and the attorney and said ” I would never abandon my kids that way.  We don’t need that in the papers.  I will support my kids through college.”  And like a fool, I believed him.  It was after that I learned the phrase “you do not divorce the same person you marry!”  And, believe me it is the truth!  We can’t even get him to give us his tax return to do my kids FAFSA for college! 

So, take it from me, if you are married and you have children, and then you get divorced…you are never truly divorced from that person.  They continue to pull you apart, torment you and break your heart for the remainder of your life.  And as for the children, as much as you would love for them not to be in the middle, at some point they will be in the middle.  At some point they will have to look at realities.  And, at some point they will probably hurt your feelings and break your heart.  But, you will never stop loving them, or being proud of them or wanting what is best for them.  Because that is what a true parent does.  They always want the best!  Even if it means the parent gets the shaft!

One thought on “You’re never fully divorced, and the kids are always in the middle!

  1. Lois Robson says:

    I’m so sorry you have to go through this junk again. Why can’t he just put his son first right now and forget about his greed or his dislike of you or whatever motivates him!!! You are so right that they have the power to hurt us forever. Just when you think things are finally peaceful, they do something to break your heart all over again!! I wish your dad was still there to give him what-for!! There is just no getting away from an ex when kids are involved — It’s sooooo hard!!I will be praying that the Lord will deal with him!!

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