I am having such a difficult time getting into the holiday spirit this year. This is the second Christmas without dad, so of course that is always hard. I miss mom, but that is nothing new. But truthfully, I just feel sort of blah. I had a huge bout with some sort of flu thing, ear infection, throat infection, the whole deal. The doc put me on the anthrax drug which was pretty harsh. Since then I haven’t really been back to my form of normal. Emotion-less…that is what I feel. I wish I could cry, but I can’t get myself to do that. I would love to feel like punching someone, or yelling and screaming cuz I just don’t feel well, but even that seems like too much work. I’m so tired, fatigued, and the strain of the illness has taken it’s toll. So, it’s just this even keel sort of thing.
I’ve been trying to get out to do things, here and there, to keep my energy level building. I’m not really depressed…in fact I wish I was more into the christmas spirit. I miss that feeling. I remember the feeling in the pit of my stomach when it was getting to be that time when i could drag out all the decorations, and I would begin that yearly chore of transforming my home into what, my kids and I thought, was a Christmas wonder land. We never had the fanciest house on the block. In fact our tree is mostly ornaments made by my kids, things that they can take down and look at and re hang over and over again. And now, my grandkids can carry on that tradition. There’s the moving winnie the pooh who joyfully stands under the tree moving his candle lit honey pot back and forth, the glittering snowmen and all the santas scattered all around. And of course the multiple Nativity scenes that are found on just about every table and shelf. We even have a chunky wooden one made especially for the kids to use to re inact that christmas story. But this year all those treasures are still tucked away in their boxes because I just didn’t have the energy to put it all up. All that’s up are two small lighted trees to at least make it seem a little christmasy here.
Which brings me to my point. It’s really not about all that “stuff” is it! It’s really about that baby. That baby that came into this world to change every thing! And no matter how un myself I feel, how abnormal, He is still here with me to give me comfort, to wrap his arms around me and whisper in my ear “Lori, I don’t care about the decorations, I care about you, I care about being here, quiet, with you. Rest in me!”
So, this Christmas, if you have a moment or moments like I am having, which all of us with Lupus have at one time or another espescially over the holidays, take some time to remember that it is about the baby that came to comfort us, to hold on to us, to give us peace in those less then peaceful times! Cuz that baby came to change everything!