I truly believe that there are always lessons in life. Some are just way harder to swallow then others. The one I’m having to deal with right now is denial, and the role it played in the end of my marriage. There was the denial that a drugged out kid would destroy our marriage, the denial that the kid was even as far gone as he is, the denial that he needs more help then a parent can possibly give. Then there is the fact that my husband made decisions that should have been a partnership decision, and instead those decisions were unilaterally decided by him. The fate of our marriage was in his hands, I trusted him to have my back and I was in denial about how far his loyalty really went when it came to me and our life. And i was in denial about how much he really loved me. I believed he truly loved me, cared about us and wanted the best for our life…boy was I mistaken. And maybe some of it was my fault, after all I have been sick a lot and for some that is a lot to deal with. Maybe I was more of a burden after all, and the burden of a drug addicted son was the lessor of two evils. Maybe he couldn’t handle both. Chronic disease can be a tricky business!
I was also in denial that there was someone else! The body, so to speak, isn’t even cold and he has a new someone…a new married someone…in his life! She is even in his profile picture on Facebook already! It’s not the first alternative person he has had in our relationship, and so I shouldn’t be surprised. But it still hurts! We are still married, he won’t even respond to the papers yet he has moved on! If he wants out to be with her, sign the papers and let me move on!
It will take some time for me to believe that love really exists! People these days seem content to use each other, play games with people’s lives, irregardless of the consequences or pain it may cause someone else!! I have had two marriages that involved infidelity, and at this point I’m not sure I could fully trust again! I’m not sure I could believe that someone could truly love me for who I am, warts and all! I wanted to believe that was happening in my marriage! Our last few years had been really good, considering how sick I got etc. but now, it seems it was all a game of lies and misconceptions! I wanted to believe it was so much more, that surely our relationship could withstand the storms! We had been through so many, and figured it out! But when a son, an addicted son, becomes more important then the marriage, more important then the partnership, when the chaos is preferred over the life we had, it’s hard to believe any of it was real!!! Denial!
So how do you go on, move forward, live life after that? Especially when you are broke, and financially he holds all the cards? Where do I go? What do I do? I know for certain my family has been pushed beyond their limits with me. I have been a burden to them, and the guilt over that grows every day! I have never wanted to be a thorn in my families side. At this point I don’t have many other choices! It would be great to go away again, to get some space and clear my head. But, running away doesn’t solve anything! Denial!!
So, for now, I need to try and re inflate my deflated self esteem, try to convince myself that the last 12 years weren’t a waste of my life, and figure out where I’m going and what I’m going to do. I need to swim out of the river of denial, pull up my bootstraps , find some courage, and start taking those first baby steps forward! There will be and have been tears; tears for what was, and for what could’ve been. There has been and will be anger, at myself, at the players of the game, and at the blatant disregard for marriage and relationship. But, at least for me, the phase of denial is over. I am seeing him and our life for what it is and was, a one sided struggle to make something work that had no chance of working!
He can stay in his house of denial! One day, perhaps, he will wake up and see what he’s lost, what he sacrificed for his addicted son. But, by then it will be too late!