I used to think that along with pain, joy always had to follow at some point. Certainly God doesn’t give us more then we can handle. As I get older I’m not so sure. I’m beginning to believe that while life may consist of a lot of hurt, an abundance of pain, it is up to us to find joy, to capture those moments no matter how few and far between where joy is found. Joy is about a state of being more then emotion. I have joy in my life, but the joy co exists with those stressful and scary moments. All these moments are teaching moments that can be game changers no matter how far along in life’s journey we are. My kids are a source of great joy for me. Even in the midst of confusion and uncertainty, just hearing from them, spending a few moments with them, brings me joy. The pain, the fear, the confusion is still there, but the joy of knowing I have done well in raising my kids is also there!
My life has turned so many corners over the last several months. I have gone from living with various family members, being jobless and feeling like my life had become a depressing jumble of garbage, to having my own place, a job I love, a feeling of successful ness and pride in getting to this point on my own. I admit I never saw myself here at all. I planned on growing old with my husband, watching our kids get married, seeing grand kids be born together. I have last many things through this transition, mostly relationships. I was once a grandma to these amazing kids. I saw myself always being in their lives. I really didn’t believe there was anything that could pull me away from them. But, in the end, once a blended family ends, people take sides. The little children don’t get to choose who they see anymore. I’m no longer grandma. I’m the woman who broke grandpas heart. And, losing my relationship with them has broken my heart.
I have lost material things. I lost my puppy who remains in the care of my ex husband. But mostly I have lost faith, once again, in marriage, in relationship between a man and a woman. I have lost the ability to trust. Something I thought I had gotten pretty good at again, now….poof…it’s gone. In fact the prospect of dating again, trying to have a relationship again seems impossible and improbable!
But I have gained a small sense of independence. I can do this, on my own, and I think I will be okay. But in the same breath there is fear. Fear of being alone, getting sick and no one knowing.
So, instead of taking these lemons and making lemonade, I believe I need a whole pie!