Things have gone full circle. Today I signed away my marriage. I have very mixed emotions about this. No one goes into a marriage expecting to divorce. In fact I fought so hard to avoid this very thing. The emotions run the gamut from man it is finally over, to O my God what are we doing to what a quitter I am. I think and wonder was there more that I could have done to make it work, to get more help for us, to fight harder. The love I still feel for this man is very real. I know it is irrational to my family, to my kids. I know people do not understand how, after all that has happened, how I can feel anything but anger and pain for what has happened. And, don’t get me wrong, I do feel those things. But I also have so many happy memories of being with this man, I worked so hard, heart and soul to make this marriage work. And, I do know that I am not just an innocent bystander in the demise of our relationship. I would love to say I am perfect (i tell my kids I am like Mary Poppins: Practically perfect in every way) but I am not perfect. I know my illness weighed heavily on our relationship. I had a lot of insecurities through out our time together. I am a jealous person, I am always wondering if my significant other is straying. I worry about money, I worry about looking like the happy couple for people on outside. So, no I was not perfect. But when the straw finally breaks it just does. And no matter how hard I tried, no matter how hard I fought, it just didn’t work. It was time to go. And maybe at first I thought my leaving would push my husband to re think his decisions,and come around to the right way. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. He let me go, and it seemed without much of a fight. And to my tender and emotional heart that was the biggest slap of all. So, the attorneys were called and the papers were filed. And today was the end of all that. The papers are with the judge now. No turning back. This man that I thought would be my soul mate and love till death do us part, is now just another man in the world. I guess today, signing the official papers, just brought it all down to reality. And all the stress of moving, working, divorcing, has caught up with me in the form of throwing up, severe stomach cramps, weakness, body aches. I am not sure that it is the actual flu or if my lupusie body has finally reached its worn out breaking point. And like all times that I have reached this point I am sure I will recover. But, this is all taking its toll on my body. A sense of failure can do that. ANd, again I failed my marriage, my families idea of what marriage is, I feel like I failed my kids, and mostly I failed myself.
I don’t like to miss work, in fact I enjoy my work. It keeps my mind off things, and I also think I am pretty good at it (coaches could you confirm this?? Hint hint) but I love interacting with the customers, laughing with my co workers while on the job, and I work with some amazing people. I have goal of moving ahead in this job, with this company. I feel a sense of accomplishment that I haven’t felt in a long time. I feel independent and somewhat successful. And i am working toward some goals. But, today, I just couldn’t do it. I had to take this day to regroup and let my body catch up for minute. I am hoping tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow the sun will rise again, hopefully the weakness I feel now will begin to dissipate. But, it is going to take some time for me to wrap my head around the fact that it is done…final.
I wont lie. My heart hurts. Its heavy. But I will grow through all of this. I will b better then I have ever been. But today I need to listen to my body and rest to get through this. Tomorrow will be a better day!