My life over the last year and a half hasn’t exactly been a fairy tale. In fact far from it. I am divorced, pretty common stuff these days, but for me it was unwanted. I wanted to be married, to grow old with the man I was with. And there are days still that I miss that, that i cry for the loss of a dream. And maybe my reality was a bit skewed, since in reality we were hardly right for each other. But I did love him, in a lot of ways I still do. I’m not sure if that is love of memories or of hopes and wishes. But those feelings are there. And there are tears that are shed for that loss. There are days when he will call, although becoming much less frequent, and my heart just hurts. And for a couple days afterwards I have to get back into that mindset of realizing that we won’t be together, he has most assuredly moved on, which sort of happened before I even left, and I have to steel my heart against brokenness all over again. And honestly, I have been so deeply wounded by this whole thing that my attitude toward trust and believing in another person again seems hopeless. After all this is my second divorce, second time for unfaithfulness in a marriage, and the second time I gave everything I had to someone just to have it pretty much thrown back in my face. Trust tends to be hard to conjure up again and again when that stuff happens. And forgiveness takes longer and longer. Doubt in myself is a huge obstacle, and inadequacy looms in my head.
But then somewhere in the back of my brain is this nagging feeling that true love, true romance and finding that true someone to share your life can happen. I have watched it, seen it happen in my brothers lives, in my parents lives, in my grandparents lives. I never dreamed that I would be the one to end up divorced. I was the one who was supposed to marry my soul mate, have a housefull of kids and live happily ever after. That’s what I always wanted, wished for. But so far it isn’t meant to be.
But I believe, or I want to believe it can happen, and it can happen for me. I’m just not sure how. I’m not exactly in a place where meeting men is an easy thing, online dating…well that’s how I met my last husband and we all know how that worked out. So, I pray that he will just fall out of the sky and land in front of me. And when he does, I want a christmas wedding…nothing fancy, been there done that. But I want twinkling lights and beautiful music, and all my family and friends there to celebrate with me. I want all of that…I deserve it all. I’ve been through enough garbage that I do believe my time will come. Until then, there will still be tears, there will be greiving over what ifs. And I will wonder what I was supposed to learn from the past experiences. But dare to dream? That I can still do!