I’m not gonna lie, I’m not sad that 2013 is over. This has been a year of growth and lesson learning. It has been difficult and sometimes painful. This was my second year as a single woman at Christmas. I will say it was a great Christmas full of surprises and laughter. When I got divorced I not only lost my marriage and husband but i lost 4 grand kids that I had given my whole heart to. Maybe it was my own fault that I gave so much of myself to them, but they were innocent kids that needed a grandma to love them and I willingly took the job. Losing my relationship with those kids was maybe harder then losing my marriage. But Christmas brought me an amazing unexpected gift. My oldest daughter will be havin a baby with her husband in August of 2014. I couldn’t be more elated. It’s amazing how out of pain beauty can emerge!
2013 was a difficult lupus year as well. When you have lupus your health can change in minutes. You can wake up feeling amazing and 10 minutes later feel like you’ve been hit by a truck. It’s just the nature of the beast and somehow one learns to deal with it. The difference for me this year is that I have been alone in my illness. When I was married I could depend on my partner to do things for me, cook for me, pick up things at the store for me, get my meds, help with houswework ( although he wasn’t great at that) and just hang out with me when I felt sick. Being single I have to take care of those things for myself. It isn’t always easy to go out of the house when a lupus flare happens. But I have to do these things on my own now. It has been a serious growing process for me.
I have however become a much better advocate for my own health. I can’t have med changes without knowing exactly how it will affect my daily life. I have a job now that cannot be affected by my illness. I have become proactive in researching things before doctors make changes and it has totally changed the way I look at my health. I have a ways to go but changes are a process.
I have had several flares this year along with a couple falls that have been game changers. Lupus is a disease of change. It never stays the same. It is always full of surprises. The key is to be prepared, to be able to read your own body to know when those changes are starting. And this year has been a year of listening to my body, being still and quiet to hear the different nuances that happen within me. Again it is a process, but I am learning
its no secret that I have been very angry at God. This past year has had no shortage of tears and prayers and wondering why. Unfortunately, I will never know why. Life blindsided me in a way that I never expected. But through all my anger, He has been right beside me. There have been days when I felt His presence so strongly it was almost frightening. And He has understood my anger, my tears of frustration, my cries of panic and fear. He has begun to help me turn those tears of anger into tears of joy and release. Sometimes the letting go is the hardest part. Oftentimes remembering the past, trying to relive each moment to see where you were wrong, how you could have fixed it is the most damaging part. It’s in those moments of quit, stillness, realizing you did all you could do, those are the moments when the healing comes.
Now the new year is beginning. I have so much to look forward to, so many exciting days ahead. I am going to focus on what’s truly important in my life, my family. I am going to strive to be the best mom to my now adult kids that I can be. I am going to look forward to being a grandma, I’m going to be a supportive sister. And maybe one day love will find me again and I will give love and receive love the way I have always deserved to have it. However, if I never find love again I am going to continue to learn to love myself, no longer live in guilt over the past. And while memories will forever be there, and the scars from my past will remain, they will fade and become faint shadows of what was. I am going to continue to write, and play and love and live. In the end I am going to regain the faith and trust I used to have. there is much to do and see. And I want to live in the moment, live in joy and go to sleep at night believing I have done my best!
bring it on 2014!
happy new year