I sometimes have to laugh at God’s sense of humor and how He works to create change and goodness and Grace in our lives. No matter how angry I have been in the past couple of years, at God, at my former husband, lupus and life in general, He can look beyond my anger and fear and anxiety and quietly whispers in my ear “Lori, my loved one, see how I am moving in your life and in the lives of those you love? These blessings and gifts are because I love you, and life does go on beyond the pain and hurt and frustration. Please just take my hand and trust me.” This christmas one of the most amazing gifts I received is that my daughter and her wonderful husband are expecting my first grandchild. If you follow my blog you will know that when I was married I had 4 amazing step grand children that I loved with all my heart. Unfortunately along with divorce comes the war wounds and battle scars. Those 4 kids were not biological to me, so while my heart still loved them and would never have abandoned them, it was forbidden for me to do so. So, I grieved the loss of those kids, along with the loss of my marriage. Then along came this that I would be a grandma, for real, and FOREVER this time. How cool is that? I am beyond words grateful for this. And I know Grandpa is filled with Joy as well. So, along with that news came a new friendship between my kids dad and I. I’m not going to say we are calling each other every day or anything like that, but we did spend a lot of christmas as a whole family. And it was lovely, and to me very special.
I am also starting to feel that restlessness, uneasiness that comes with being hurt in your heart. Being made to feel you are not good enough and not worth fighting for, betrayal, is always, for me, a crushing blow. I know it is up to me to fix this stuff. To move beyond it. And I am working at that. I am working out (gently of course) 4 plus days a week. I need to get down to a better weight for my health, for my self esteem and to get ready to chase a baby around again. I am trying to work on my diet, what food choices I make. It is hard for me, always has been to find that balance in my food life. And as far as my anger, my self worth, I am writing a lot more, I am reading my bible and making notes of scriptures that ring true and special to me. And I am trying really hard to watch my health. All of you who have lupus know that it is unpredictable and when you least expect it….bam it strikes again. But I am taking more vitamins, working out which as well all know helps a lot if we keep at it. This winter hasn’t been the most healthy winter for me, but I am hoping since the new year started my health will jump start as well.
So, to end this little blurb that I am writing I thought I would share some of the verses that have been special to me, and helped me on some of those down days. There will be more down days I am sure. Keeping positive as much as possible, trying to take the good out of every situation and hold on to it, and believing in my hear that no matter what any one tells me, I have worth and value and I deserve to reach for my dream just like everyone else.
Corinthians 1:7 (the message version of the Bible) He will never give up on you, don’t forget that!
Proverbs 13:12 Unrelenting disappointment leaves you heartsick.But a sudden good break can turn life around!
Philipians 12:12 What the wicked construct finally falls into ruin. While the roots of the righteous gives life and more life.
I hope these versus give some hope or light to you!
Have a pain free, hopeful day.