Valentines day, Girl Scout cookies, a single woman

There have been times in my life, recently I might add, when thinking about valentines day and all those romantic days really make me wanna scream like a girl.  You know the scream I’m talking about.  It’s the one where you stand in the middle of the room, arms stiffly by your side, hands in very tight fists; so tight that the nails are digging into your skin, your feet are firmly planted on the ground, teeth clenched so tight that the scream you want to get out will have difficulty passing through that small opening. Valentines day isn’t the only holiday like that.  Christmas can be like that, fortunately for me I have three amazing kids and there is nothing better or more of a blessing to me then to give them gifts and watch their faces light up.  But marketing typically works toward those lovers young and old who will be giving gifts of jewelry or candles or any of those types of romantic gfts.  

I’m not sure if there are any other people out there who feel the same way I do about these romantic holidays.  I am a single woman, no husband or boyfriend, no special  person on the horizon for me.  So here’s the deal….there are so many other things in life that are worth being angry about.  There are many special causes that are more worthy of my anger.  But for some reason, these holidays really bother me.  I want that in my life.  I want the romance and the love and the beautiful gifts.  I want to be loved and cherished and to know that someone thinks that “a kiss begins with K” in our life. People always say that women don’t need a man to make them feel complete. The don’t need that guy to come hone to or to be there at night to snuggle up to.  Single women are strong, independent, cool and their lives are full and happy.  And I would have to say that possibly for a lot of single women that is true, or at least they give off the aura that it is true for them.  Well folks, I am going to stand up and tell you all that it is not true for me.  I loved being in a relationship.  I loved dating that special someone, I loved having someone to come home to at night, to hold hands with when I walked down the street.  I loved being married, knowing that I belonged to him and he belonged to me.  And no I’m not saying it was a slavery type of relationship or that I didn’t have or want my independence to be taken away from me because I was married.  The point of marriage to me was that it was a giving of myself, to be faithful and true, to be loving and caring, to be the one for the other and he was the one for me.  Unfortunately, my marriage didn’t work out.  It fell apart and I was truly devastated.  So, I quickly, in the blink of an eye became a single female I had to pull up my boot straps and begin the work of starting over.  

Please don’t get me wrong.  There is nothing wrong with being a single woman.  There is nothing wrong with being an independent female going it on your own and making a life for yourself.  As a matter of fact there are many days when I wish that I was wired in that way.  But I wasn’t.

What is the point of this long blog…the point is this.  This year I AM MY OWN VALENTINE!  I am going to love myself, cherish who I am and who I am becoming as a single woman.  The reality is that I may be forever single, that a significant other may not be in my future.  So, whether I like it or not those romantic holidays may be spent with me, myself, and I.  Yes, my children will be around, my little grand baby with be here as well (in august) so those loves of my life will continue to be my heart!  This is not a depressing thing, this is not a horrible life, and this life can and will be fulfilling for me.  Eventually the hole that is there where a love should be will close and I won’t need to be defined by that relationship.

There is always that chance that I will find a love, that I will have that romance in my life, however the fear is always there…that one that is always in the back of my head “I have Lupus, i am sick and every day is different for me”  At what point do I tell a guy that little tidbit of information?  And how quickly after giving that information does he run out the door?  

So, there it is.  My rant on valentines day, on being single and on the desire to not be!  Lift your glasses to all of us independent single women, whether we are the ones who enjoy it, or the ones who don’t.  We are strong and amazing just the way we are!


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