Things that make me go hmmm…

I remember back when Aresenio Hall was on late night TV (i suppose I am dating myself a lot here) he always had a segment called “Things that make me go Hmm…” I used to love that spot in the show because he always came up with things that were so funny, and that really did make one go hmm.  Well, I guess right now the thing that is making me go hmmm is “who ever invented dating? And were they crazy?”   Yes I am recently back on the market, with dating and all of that.  And some would say “If you don’t enjoy dating then why do it?” And my answer would be, (and if you have read my blog at all you would know) I don’t enjoy being a lone.  I want to share my life with someone, in fact that has really been the only dream I have had in my whole life; meet that great guy, fall madly in love, have kids, raise the kids, watch our kids get married, have grand kids, ya know the whole deal.  Unfortunately, my first marriage did not last although part of the dream came true with my three amazing kids.  Then there was a second marriage.  I was telling my daughter the other day when we were having one of those heart to hearts that I really enjoy having with her especially now that she is married and expecting, I feel like we are growing to have more in common and can share on a level that we couldn’t share before, anyway, I was telling her that I knew before I married my second husband that it was a recipe for disaster, that I wasn’t even positive that he loved me in the way a man should really love a woman when they marry them.  But for some dumb reason I thought the love I had was enough, that over time he would grow in his love for me and that eventually we would turn into this couple that was beautiful and one to look up to for my kids and grand kids to come… my parents, especially like my grandparents.  I shared with my daughter that I remember a moment when my husband (he was my boyfriend at the time) was out of town, I was visiting my parents and he happened to call me.  I was sitting on the floor of my parents kitchen and our conversation turned very serious.  He and I had been “engaged” since that september, it was now around november, in fact looking back I didn’t have my engagement ring yet because he was going to give that to me for christmas.  WE were winding down the conversation, and I said to him, “I love you and miss you.  I can’t wait till you get home.”  I wanted so terribly for him to say “I love and miss you too.” But all I got was “Yes, looking forward to seeing you soon.”  I about flipped out.  I knew I had to keep it down because if my folks overheard the conversation they would have another one of those conversations with me about whether this was the right thing to do, marrying him, or not.  We had had several.  So, ever so quietly I said to him, “Can’t you even tell me you love me? We are months away from a wedding and you won’t say you love me over the phone?” Please understand that he had told me  he loved me.  It was not very often, and not very romantic either.  I’m not sure how he meant it when he said it, like maybe I was a great friend or like a sister even, who knows.  Every time he did say it, I held on to it like it was a precious jewel that I may never see again.  But on that call, for some reason he didn’t want to say it.  So, finally after I bugged him about it long enough he said “Yes I love you and miss you and will see you soon.”  That’s the end of that.  My daughter, after hearing that story, asked me point blank why I married him.  That made me go hmmm.  Here’s my short answer.  I was a lone, a single mom with three kids, afraid, I knew my health wasn’t great even though no one else really knew at this point yet.  And I was very lonely.  As difficult as my first marriage was, and as many obstacles and issues that we had, I always enjoyed the fact that I didn’t go to sleep at night alone…well honestly he slept most nights on the couch (by choice lol) but still I was not alone.  I had a partner to help me with the bad stuff, and to try and build memories with.  I wanted that again, and honestly I was so very much in love with my second husband I didn’t really think that my doubts about his love for me would matter.  

So, here I am, single again, alone again, lonely again, and while I am not a single mom of three little kids, I don’t want to be alone.  I want to share these golden years with someone, I want to fall asleep knowing that someone is there next to me to share the ups and downs, the hard stuff, the amazing stuff.  But this time, I want him to love me, to cherish me, to be a partner with me.  This time it has to be different.  All this to say that I went on my first date since my divorce.  This guy, I will call him Chuck, and I have spent a lot of time talking to each other on the phone, emailing, texting…ya know all the things you do when you are getting to know someone.  WE have laughed a lot together.  He makes me laugh.  He is very sweet, kind, down to earth and laid back.  So, we finally decided to go on a date.  And we did.  It was fun, we laughed a lot, he picked on me, I picked on him.  WE shared more about our life, and there were moments where it got quiet, but it didn’t seem awkward at all.  Chuck is a nice guy.  Who knows if I will see him again, or hear from him.  But, I have stepped out and done that first date thing….I can honestly say I HATE DATING!!!!!! It is nerve wracking, almost painful.  The insecurities I had when I was 21 have compounded exponenetially.  I am no longer thin and cute.  I am a middle aged granny.  So, here is my question..who decided dating is a good thing?  Why can’t we just go through a book let, find our compatible person, zap some sort of chip into their brain so they know us and we know them, maybe go have a meal, but since we already know each other cuz of the chip there is no awkwardness, it’s just easy.  Or better yet why couldn’t god in his infinite wisdom have made one great guy for each great girl, when you see them you know immediately, and bam you are true soul mates for ever, love never ends, nothing is messy or awkward.  

Unfortunately, if I don’t want to be a lone in the rest of this life of mine, dating is what I am going to have to do.  Which is hard also because I am not a bar hopper, I don’t have access to meeting a lot of people.  So it is really difficult to find dates.  I keep praying that God will just plop the right guy down in front of my face and I will know right away.  But I don’t think that’s going to happen either.  

For now, I am single, I have a dog (really belongs to my daughter) who is my companion.  I rarely go out, and life is pretty simple, but really lonely.  Any one have a great man who would like to meet a great woman??? HEre I am!

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