So many questions…..

I am going to be a grandma.  I think I have already mentioned that in a previous blog or maybe several of them.  But it bears repeating…I AM GOING TO BE A GRANDMA!  I am so excited on so many levels.  But the thing I am most excited for is the filling of a void.  Yep, that’s right…there is a void in my heart.  Divorce is a difficult thing no matter what the circumstances.  It takes longer for some then others to get over.  I have been without a husband for 2 years now…actually a little longer then that.  I still get as lonely now as I did the very first day I left.  Will that ever change?  Will I ever feel fulfilled in my life as a person, as just me, without that other person beside me?  I don’t really think that it is “the person” I was married to that I miss as much as it is all the things that go a long with marriage.  I miss the companionship, I miss cuddling at night while I’m falling asleep.  I miss the random phone calls during the day just to check in.  I miss intimacy, not just the physical but the emotional, the spiritual.  Am I going to miss all of that forever or will I get over it, and be able to be completely and wholly happy on my own?  That’s where the birth of my grandson comes in.  I cannot wait to wrap him in my arms, to hold him and cuddle him, to kiss his tiny cheeks and count his little toes and fingers.  And the hope is that he, this little miracle that is coming into my life, will help me fill some of the void I feel in my heart.


I do understand that because I have lupus there will be those times, as in everything else in my life, when I won’t be able to see him because I am ill or he is ill and I am very vulnerable to illness, but he will be there for me to snuggle when I feel better, or when he feels better.  And no one can take this grandbaby away from me.  

I am so so happy for my daughter and so proud of her life and marriage and how she has become the woman she is.  Sometimes I look at her, at all my kids actually, and wonder “How did they turn out so amazing after all they went through in their lives?”  I realize I wasn’t a bad mom, and I did the best I could and knew how to for my kids.  Some of my choices, if I could go back, would have been different, but I think I did an okay job.  Their dad and I even get along great now.  WE are like good friends who have these amazing kids in common, we are going to be grand parents together, and the both of us can hardly wait.  It’s truly a miracle!  And in that I know my kids are really happy.  And I want to share this experience with him.  I want to be a grandma with their dad and watch him be a grandpa.  He will be a good grandpa!  In some ways that has helped to stifle some of that void in my gut and heart, that is, knowing that he and I will be grandparents together and we will actually share in that role as people who genuinely love one another because of the bond we have with our kids.  

But, that doesn’t help me when I wake up alone in the middle of the night.  That doesn’t help when I am feeling really sick from this horrendous disease I have that sometimes threatens to beat me to the ground.  It’s those times when the void opens back up and tries to swallow me whole.  This all may sound fairly dramatic, but anyone who has gone through a divorce, who ended a marriage to someone they were still admittedly in love with, will know what I am talking about.  

The one truly awesome thing that has happened in the last couple of months is that I have a new roomate.  And she knows exactly how I feel.  She also shares the bond of grandma hood with me…she is my son in laws mom.  Two grannys sharing the same apartment, awaiting the arrival of their first grandchild.  We have been planning, plotting shopping, dreaming hoping, wishing and praying for this little bundle since their wedding day.  And as grandmas often do, every baby we see, every toy aisle, every commercial that has a baby in it, we oooh and aaah over with anticipation of the new little one who will be entering this loud, funny, loving, amazing family.  She has been through similar stuff to me, she gets what that feeling is, the one where there is just something missing and ya don’t know if you will find it again.  In some ways she is completely different from me, but in other ways we are very much the same.  We are weaving our way through this labyrinth of a new life with hopes and dreams of the future.  Talking is something that she and I can’t do enough of.  Get us started and it is hard to shut us up.  It’s so great to have someone who understands “the void” like I do. 

So, back to my question….will I always feel it?  Will it ever go away? Or, will I miss that part of my life for the rest of my life?  I guess the only way I will know is to keep living my life, continue dreaming of a true Prince Charming to come along and sweep me off my feet…and who knows, he just may be a little bundle who weights 7 or 8 pounds, has soft pink skin, and coos when he hears that familiar voice of grandma!  Only time will tell I guess.



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